“Maybe, just maybe”…
“You know the official story about pandas — they’re cute, they’re adorably helpless, which is why they’re almost extinct. But like a lot of what we hear, that’s a lie.”
Oh, well! Nothing a half hour’s worth of denigrating minorities won’t fix.
“The black rhinos got an advantage because he’s black.”
“OOH IT IS A MYSTERY! Did Sean Hannity see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama making treason in the broom closet?”
“Rapidly aging squirrel taint Sean Hannity did not like the scoop Thursday night about President Shithole trying to fire special counsel Robert Mueller in a fit of bloated, know-nothing rage.”
“Is there anything more to this “secret society” conspiracy theory than the asinine ramblings of an old GOP senator from Wisconsin? Why yes!”
I LIKE’ YELLEN BUT `YOU HAVE TO MAKE’ OWN MARK
When reached for comment, Garofalo “admitted he had lied and never served in Vietnam, never received a Purple Heart and was never a SEAL.”
“The only authoritative voice in Trump’s divided America is the voice that helped drive us apart in the first place.”
“To continue in English, just keep listening—everything here is in English, because, the last time we checked, this was America, goddammit.”
Fortunately, no one was choked and no chairs were thrown.
“You know, the crème de la crème.”
One of the more amusing stories last week (well, I guess it’s technically still “this” week, but you know what I mean) revolved around Iowa Republican Steve King who decided to try and give Geert Wilders a last minute push over the top ahead of Wednesday’s elections in the Netherlands. King’s initial tweet and subsequent doubling…