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In Bombshell Report, Fox’s Tucker Carlson ‘Exposes’ Pandas As ‘Sex-Crazed’ Murderous Perverts

"You know the official story about pandas — they’re cute, they’re adorably helpless, which is why they’re almost extinct. But like a lot of what we hear, that’s a lie."

On Monday, we brought you the latest from the Fox News blooper reel which, like the universe, is expanding faster than anyone can fathom.

Over the weekend, Howard Kurtz tried to talk about “fake news” only to have his graphics team fail him miserably, prompting him to demand that a poll – which showed that Fox is the least trusted network in America by a country fucking mile – be taken down. Here’s that hilarious clip for anyone who might have missed it:

Oops.

 

Well if you thought that was something, you hadn’t seen anything yet.

Because on Monday evening, while the rest of the world was talking about either Michael Cohen’s office getting raided by the FBI or, if you’re more worldly, Xi Jinping’s keynote address at the Boao Forum in Asia, Fox was busy getting to the bottom of the issues that really matter. Issues like whether or not there’s a conspiracy to deceive the American public about the true nature of pandas.

See what you need to understand is that while you probably thought of pandas as being “cute” or “cuddly” or you know, endangered (which, incidentally, makes them a perfect target for Don Jr.’s safaris), the truth is that pandas are “fearsome, sex-crazed studs with a taste for flesh.” Have a listen to Tucker Carlson as he exposes the deep state conspiracy that is pandas:

Got that? Here it is:

You know the official story about pandas — they’re cute, they’re adorably helpless, which is why they’re almost extinct. But like a lot of what we hear, that’s a lie. The real panda is a secret stud with a taste for flesh and a fearsome bite.

Apparently, this segment was based on a Wall Street Journal story that was out on Friday called “The Un-Cuddly Truth About Pandas”. 

That piece features this picture of a panda looking either guilty or else just highly disappointed that you’re trying to spin him as a murderous rapist:

guilty

So if Fox is wondering why that graphic they didn’t mean to show in the first clip above suggests no one trusts them, they might consider whether it has something to do with eschewing news like “offices of sitting President’s lawyer raided by FBI” for an attempt to frame fucking panda bears.

Now cue Tugg Speedman…

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