By Evan Hurst as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission
Rapidly aging squirrel taint Sean Hannity did not like the scoop Thursday night about President Shithole trying to fire special counsel Robert Mueller in a fit of bloated, know-nothing rage. It was GRRRRRR NEWS that came from the DEEP STATE NEW YORK TIMES, which is trying to DISTRACT YOU from the very real and factual and important things Sean Hannity mama bird vomits into his stable of genius TV viewers each night.
Luckily, a nice HuffPost reporter named Matt Fuller cut all the funny/good parts of last night’s Hannity into a nice 46 second video, and it is the best thing on the whole internet this week. Thanks, Matt Fuller!
In our first scene, NYT has just broken the Trump Mueller news. Whereas the normal networks have shifted to breaking news mode, Hannity reacts differently:
Tonight … they’re trying to change the story.
(From the real story, which is OMG these two people in the FBI? Were fuckin’? And they don’t like Donald Trump? So sometimes when they weren’t fuckin’? They sent each other text messages? And some of the sexts said mean stuff about Trump? But then they went back to fuckin’? THIS MEANS THEY HAVE A SECRET SOCIETY TO MURDER TRUMP BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THE FIRST RULE OF SECRET SOCIETIES IS YOU CALL THEM “SECRET SOCIETIES.”)
At this hour, the New York Times is trying to distract you! They have a story that Trump wanted Mueller fired, sometime last June, and our sources — I’ve checked in with many of them! — they’re not confirming that tonight! And the president’s attorney dismissed the story and said, “nope, no comment, we’re not going there.” And how many times has the New York Times gotten it wrong?
Yeah. Shut up, New York Times! Sean Hannity is here to say the news, and this ain’t it! So anyway, back to how Hillary Clinton was spotted in an airplane wearing a Jane Fonda mask and blowing chemtrails directly up the ass of real American Trump voters in Pennsylvania! Where’s the special counsel for investigating Hillary’s criminal Satanic chemtrail assblowing?
Fast forward in Hannity’s show:
All right, so we have sources tonight just confirming … that yeah, maybe Donald Trump wanted to fire the special counsel for conflict — does he not have the right to raise those questions?
OK fine so NYT wasn’t “wrong” per se, but like come on, is it even physically possible for Donald Trump to do something wrong in the eyes of unpatriotic weasel pubes like Sean Hannity and the people who watch his show? Now everybody go to your Trump shrine and lick it a bunch, with your mouth. Führer Trump demands your worship!
By the way, the whole time Hannity was saying that, he was like this:
And then he was like this:
Now, to be clear, this next part is not a fast-forward. These are the words that came out of Hannity’s mouth immediately after the last thing:
You know? We’ll deal with this tomorrow night.
No we won’t.
We have a shocking video of the day to bring you, by the way. This footage comes to us from Arizona, where you see that red SUV, high-speed police chase, ultimately the suspects …
YES FOR FUCKING REAL SEAN HANNITY IMMEDIATELY DISTRACTED EVERYBODY WITH A CAR CRASH VIDEO.
When Sean Hannity dies, whether of old age or in a self-inflicted Tide Pod fireworks accident, this clip from his show will be embedded on his tombstone, because have you ever seen anything that sums up his entire career so beautifully? It’s just fucking spectacular.
This morning in Davos, Donald Trump responded to the NYT report, calling it “fake news” and “typical New York Times,” which is funny, because didn’t his old pal Sean Hannity confirm the story, before he distracted his viewers with naked booby lady pictures? Pretty sure he did!
“Fox & Friends” was also in fine form this morning, bitching and moaning about how NYT only had FOUR UNNAMED SOURCES and besides it “screams of a leak from the special counsel,” because we all know Robert Mueller is such a leaker. Fox News idiot Ainsley Earhardt concluded, “Do you even care?” No, Ainsley Earhardt, you and your co-hosts Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade are too stupid to care.
Thoughts ‘n’ prayers for the entire Fox News family. Thoughts ‘n’ prayers!
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