“Thank You For Calling Fox News 9-1-1”

Via The New Yorker

Thank you for calling 9-1-1, a division of Fox News. Your emergencies are important to us. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.

To continue in English, just keep listening—everything here is in English, because, the last time we checked, this was ​America​, goddammit.

[Whispered] ​This call may be monitored or recorded.

If this is not an emergency, please hang up and stop being such a snowflake. If this is an emergency, please stay on the line and a pundit will be with you shortly. You may also tweet us @FoxNews, using the hashtag #fear.

If you are a white Christian male and you’re being persecuted, say or type “real minority.” If you are being harassed by a paid protester, say or type “Soros.”

If you are choking on your own rage, say or type “apoplexy.”

To report someone proposing universal background checks for gun buyers, and/or closing the loophole for Internet and gun-show firearms sales, say or type “confiscate.”

If you have just stood your ground, say or type “threatened.” If you have just stood someone else’s ground, say or type “hero.” If you have just mistakenly shot yourself while standing on ground of any material, say or type “tourniquet.”

To report a suspected illegal immigrant, say or type “bad hombre.” To report a suspected Muslim, say or type “Sharia.” To report a Muslim employing an illegal immigrant, say or type “threat level Hannity.”

If you’re witnessing a defamatory racial-discrimination suit being filed against a corporation, say or type “without merit.” If the defamatory suit alleges sexual harassment, say or type “baseless.”

If racism and sexism have pervaded your workplace with the tacit approval of management and created a toxic environment, please hang up and find a job somewhere else. There are lots of places you could work instead.

If your holiday is under attack, say or type “baby Jesus.”

To report a welfare recipient purchasing name-brand paper towels or driving a late-model car, say or type “my tax dollars.”

To report suspected voter fraud, say or type “need I.D. to buy Sudafed.”

To report being ostracized for displaying a flag that is totally not a racist symbol, say or type “heritage.”

If you see a public official berating or demeaning a reporter, please hang up and goad him on.

If you are a reporter being berated or demeaned by a public official, say or type “waaahmbulance.”

To request the waaahmbulance for a liberal crybaby, say or type “repeal Obamacare.”

If someone is trying to provide you affordable health insurance, say or type “disaster.”

Press the pound sign to hear these options again. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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