There is an international conspiracy against Jeff Gundlach.
Or if it hasn’t gone global just yet, it is surely a nationwide phenomenon.
See one of the reasons Jeff joined Twitter earlier this year was to disabuse you of all the “fake” Gundlach news the media is force-feeding the masses.
Gundlach is no fan of lies. That’s why he made his Twitter handle @TruthGundlach. It’s also why he put “truth fan” in his Twitter bio.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “why would people be conspiring against Jeff Gundlach?”
But see that’s just it – we don’t know. And neither does Jeff.
That’s the whole point.
This is still a mystery and the injustice of it all is simply unbearable for us, but especially for Jeff.
While we don’t (yet) know why everyone is out to get “The Bond King”, we have, with the help of @TruthGundlach, been able to discern the identities of some (but not all) of the co-conspirators. Here’s who we know for sure is in on it:
- “competitors” (who have set up fake Gundlach Twitter handles in an effort to undermine his credibility and confuse people who are trying to find the real Jeff in the Twitterverse)
- “haters and fakers” (who are hating and faking)
- Jim Cramer and Joe Kernen (“the alliteration twins” who are lying about Jeff on national television)
- Bloomberg (who “jams” Jeff’s name into articles that have nothing to do with him in order to create Gundlach “clickbait”)
- Bloomberg again (for refusing to cover a story about variable annuities that Jeff swears to Christ is important)
- Business Insider (which “used to be ok” but is now “sad”)
- Cameron Crise (“who?!”)
- a California wine merchant (who sold Jeff “at least” 67 bottles of fake Bordeaux and is run by “crass hucksters!”)
- @Jimmyjude13 (who, despite Jeff’s protestations, thinks the only think to do in Buffalo is “jerk off”)
And that’s just what we know so far.
Before we go any further, you need to understand that if you think this all sounds implausible or that maybe Jeff is imagining things, you are
exactly fucking right dead ass wrong.
Regular readers have seen the proof, but if you’re new to HR, you can review the evidence for yourself here.
Ok, so on Saturday we were aghast when, upon checking in on @TruthGundlach, we learned that Jeff had ferreted out another anti-Gundlach plot (I mean, it’s all part of the same conspiracy, but there are so many moving parts that you have to analyze them separately before you can put all the pieces together).
Well believe it or not, rival bond fund managers have been bribing reporters to print lies about DoubleLine! You can read all about this straight from the horse’s
ass mouth here, but we’ve broken it down into handy bullet points for you. Here’s what we learned from a three-day Twitter rant:
- “shaky” rivals are playing “tricks” on reporters in an effort to spread “fake” DoubleLine news
- Jeff has confirmation of said “fake” news which involves the contention that DoubleLine’s AUM is falling
- Jeff would never scream at employees
- Jeff thinks he knows who the conspirators are and he’s dug up his own dirt on them
- Jeff is going to sue everyone involved with his “big legal team”
- Jeff offered to give an interview to the news outlet which he says has fallen for a “ruse”
- Jeff wants to “welcome” you to “wack-o-season” (aside: “wack” is spelled wrong there)
- reporters have been “bribed” by rivals
- Jeff is “buried” in resumes
- Jeff is going to make it clear what exactly it is he’s talking about soon enough
How fucked up is that, right?
But don’t worry. Because as Jeff himself reminded you in that same series of tweets, Gundlach is like “Jerry Seinfeld” – that is, he’s number one.
Fast forward to Monday and Gundlach gave an interview to Bloomberg (perhaps it was a ploy to try and discern why the fuck they still haven’t covered that variable annuities story) in what certainly looked like an effort to get out ahead of whatever the hell the reporters who have been bribed by rivals are planning to report.
Well at 24 minutes after midnight on the East Coast, Gundlach revealed who
he imagines is behind the latest plot. To wit:
There you go: add the Wall Street Journal to the list of conspirators.
Now let’s all snap out of Jeff’s fantasyland.
Back here in the real world I don’t see a conspiracy. All I see is Jeff getting more like Donald Trump with each passing tweet. Constantly on the defensive, insisting that everyone is out to get him, asking himself rhetorical questions, and of course, blasting the media in the middle of the night.
He even throws in the #sad.
And with that we present: Trump-Lach…