politics robert mueller Trump

Jacob Wohl Implicated In Jack Burkman Scheme To Pay Women For False Mueller Accusations

Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any stupider...

Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any stupider, they do.

Earlier Tuesday, we bought you the exceedingly ridiculous story of British “Bill”, a man who, according to an unverified e-mail sent to dozens of reporters at major news outlets, attempted to convince a former paralegal who worked for Robert Mueller in the 1970s to falsely accuse the Special Counsel of sexual misconduct in exchange for money.

According to the woman (one Lorraine Parsons), “Bill” claimed to work for conspiracy theorist Jack Burkman, who once got himself shot in the butt (literally) by a man he hired to run point on an independent investigation into the murder of Seth Rich.

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After becoming aware of the Parsons e-mail, the Special Counsel’s office referred the matter to the FBI. Burkman claims he has no idea who “Bill” is, but insists he has evidence to support the contention that Mueller is a philandering drunk. As a former philandering drunk myself, let me just say that seems unlikely.

As absurd as all of that most assuredly is, things took a further turn for the surreal on Tuesday afternoon when it became apparent that Trump sycophant and self-styled hedge fund manager Jacob Wohl might be at least tangentially involved.

“In his efforts to dig up dirt on Mueller, Burkman appears to have enlisted Jacob Wohl, a right wing Twitter personality and a self-described friend of Burkman,” The Daily Beast writes, adding that Wohl “said Burkman had told him he had hired Matthew Cohen, who is a managing partner at the private investigations company Surefire Intelligence, to assist with the investigation.”

“Odd, Jacob Wohl says he doesn’t know nuttin’ about Surefire Intelligence, the firm tied to the bizarre Mueller allegations, [but] take a look at the photos of ‘Matthew Cohen’ (above), head of ‘Surefire,’ and of Jacob Wohl (below),” the New Yorker’s Jane Mayer quipped on Tuesday evening, referring to the following hilarious juxtaposition:


“As for who added the chiaroscuro, only The Shadow knows”, Mayer went on to joke.

“Surefire Intelligence” is anything but “surefire”. As the Beast goes on to note, the company’s “employees” use a series of silly visual monikers on what are ostensibly professional online profiles. To wit:

At least seven supposed employees of the company use fake headshots on their LinkedIn profiles. Talia Yaniv, whose page lists her as Surefire’s “Tel Aviv station chief,” uses a photo of Israeli supermodel Bar Refaeli. The photo of Surefire’s “financial investigator” is actually actor Christoph Waltz. The company’s “station chief” in DC uses a photo of Sigourney Weaver’s husband. And its deputy director of operations ripped off a headshot from a Michigan pastor.

And it gets better – a lot better. The company claims to have offices around the globe in such far-flung locales as Tel Aviv, London, and Zurich, but all of the listed numbers redirect to a single line that shares an area code with Orange County, CA, which just happens to be where Wohl is from.

“Surefire’s website domain data lists an email address bearing Wohl’s name and that of a legally suspect financial firm he led, NeX Management”, the Beast continues. As you’re probably aware, Wohl was banned for life in 2017 by the National Futures Association and was also investigated by the SEC. Additionally, he was accused by the Arizona Corporation Commission (AZCC) of fraud. You can read the full document on that embedded below.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Wohl is the laughing stock of the financial universe and has been for quite some time.

One person who didn’t get that memo, though, is Donald Trump, who has retweeted Wohl and famously posed with Jacob and his father for the following picture, which once served as Jacob’s Twitter banner:



As the Burkman news hit on Tuesday, Wohl had a complete meltdown on Twitter.

“The MSM has launched a coordinated smear campaign against me, claiming that I offered money to a woman to make accusations against Mueller”, Wohl wrote, before insisting that “their claims are BASELESS!”

“All of a sudden, when Jack Burkman reveals that there are credible accusations against Robert Mueller, the media spins up a narrative that women were offered payment”, he continued, before taking a page right out of Trump’s book by launching into a full-on panicked rant as follows:

Who are these women that say they were offered payment? It looks like they DON’T EVEN EXIST. As always, the MSM spins up FAKE NEWS to protect the Mueller Witch Hunt!

I’ve counted more than 25 news outlets who have reported allegations against me, claiming that I offered to pay women to make accusations against Mueller I’ve looked into this “Lorraine Parsons”! Looks like she doesn’t even exist! IT’S A FAKE NEWS CON JOB!

Long story short, it looks like Jacob Wohl is a little bit concerned about the prospect of the FBI looking into whether Jack Burkman might have tried to pay women to make false allegations against Robert Mueller.

My guess would be that in the event Wohl ends up implicated in this ham-handed conspiracy (which could well serve as the plot for a sequel to Burn After Reading), Donald Trump will not be around to lend a helping hand.


3 comments on “Jacob Wohl Implicated In Jack Burkman Scheme To Pay Women For False Mueller Accusations

  1. On the day Whitey Bulgar was murdered in prison…

  2. Lance Manly

    Are you sure it was British “Bill” and not Benny Hill?

  3. I guess we’re lucky that almost everyone trying to help Trump is a pea-brained imbecile. (Too bad some of those people are senators.)

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