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‘Slippery James’ And ‘Wild Bill’: How Insane Was Trump’s Sunday Twitter Rant?

What would this sound like if we quoted him like a normal person? I don't know, let's try it!

Well, Donald Trump lost his mind (again) on Sunday morning and subjected America to the customary weekend self-own tweet session.

As I write these lines, Trump’s latest real-time meltdown is still unfolding to the bemusement of 51 million Twitter followers.

As of 10:00 a.m. New York time, Trump had added more than 300 words to Mein Covfefe, which is of course a work in progress and should be released in its entirety sometime after 2020, with the last chapters probably finished from federal prison.


Normally, I simply embed the tweets themselves in these posts, but I thought I would try something new today and pretend like Donald Trump is a real President by quoting him as though he were a normal person in full possession of his faculties. I think this will do a better job of driving home the sheer insanity inherent in his weekend Twitter rants.


The President began his Sunday by expressing incredulity at the notion that former FBI Director James Comey would consider the “Polls” (which the President has decided is a proper noun) when making decisions about an investigation into the handling of sensitive information.

“He was making decisions based on the fact that he thought she was going to win, and he wanted a job,” the President said of Comey, before calling him a “slimeball” for the second time in three days.

He went on to explain what, in his mind, are the “big questions” raised by Comey’s new book, which the President says has been getting “bad reviews.”

“How come he gave up Classified Information?”, Trump asked, once again creating proper nouns that didn’t previously exist before putting the word “jail” in parentheses to again suggest that the former FBI Director deserves to be imprisoned.

The President continued, shouting another question into the digital void. “Why did the DNC refuse to give Server to the FBI?”, Trump asked, creating a second new proper noun, before wondering, aloud, why they didn’t “TAKE it” (in all-caps for no readily apparent reason).

The President then called Comey’s memos “phony” before suggesting the former FBI Director has thrown Loretta Lynch “under the bus”. The phrase “under the bus” was in scare quotes in the President’s official comments, so it’s hard to know whether he was being sarcastic or whether he doesn’t understand how to use quotation marks – there was no clarification on that in the remainder of his remarks.

Trump went on to ask why Comey would not reveal details of a tarmac meeting between Lynch and former President Clinton, who Trump called “Wild Bill” on Sunday. “Golf and grandkids” were not discussed, the President insists, before imploring the former FBI Director to “give us all a break.”

In an apparent non sequitur, Trump began to assess the effectiveness of this weekend’s coalition strikes on chemical weapons facilities in Syria, calling the raid “perfectly carried out”. The “precision” of the strike, Trump said, made it impossible for the media to criticize and so, the President explained that they instead unfairly lampooned his use of the phrase “Mission Accomplished” on Saturday. That phrase was famously used by George W. Bush to describe the military campaign in Iraq which, in hindsight, was almost universally derided as a misguided boondoggle with repercussions that will echo through the ages.

Trump says he knew the media would criticize his attempt to revive the phrase in a military context, but defended himself by explaining how good it felt.

The President also said people don’t use it enough when talking about military campaigns.

“I knew they would seize on this but felt it is such a great Military term, it should be brought back,” Trump said, before underscoring the point by shouting “use often!”

To be clear, the reason the media keyed on that point is because the President has, at various times, been extremely critical of the Iraq War. For instance, in a 2004 interview with Esquire, he said the following:

I would never have handled it that way. Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C’mon. Two minutes after we leave, there’s going to be a revolution, and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he’ll have weapons of mass destruction, which Saddam didn’t have.

What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who’ve been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!

The President did not clarify the seeming discrepancy between those comments and the reuse of the phrase “Mission Accomplished!”, instead proceeding to switch back to the Comey discussion. “I never asked Comey for Personal Loyalty,” Trump said, inventing his fourth proper noun of the day, before saying “I hardly even knew this guy.”

Next, Trump lamented the sudden death of attorney-client privilege, a reference to the FBI raid on the offices of his personal attorney Michael Cohen. “I have many lawyers,” Trump said, before shouting “too many!”

Those lawyers, Trump continued, “are probably wondering when their offices, and even homes, are going to be raided with everything, including their phones and computers, taken.”

“All lawyers are deflated and concerned!”, he remarked, speaking for all 1.3 million lawyers in America.

Finally, the President branded Comey “Slippery James”, adding that in his mind, Comey is “a man who always ends up badly and out of whack.” “He is not smart!”, the President shrieked.

After shouting that Comey would invariably “go down as the WORST FBI Director in history, by far,” the President retired to his office for what we assume will be a few hours of “document study.”


That is how bizarre Trump’s tweets would sound if the media were to treat him like a normal person and cite him as such.

Just let that sink in.




14 comments on “‘Slippery James’ And ‘Wild Bill’: How Insane Was Trump’s Sunday Twitter Rant?

  1. Tom Swift

    Uh, OK, That made him seem even MORE weird.!!!!
    (Laughing emoji)

  2. So, we learned that Comey says Destructo asked him to investigate the allegations set out in the “dossier” and prove they didn’t happen because it would be “terrible” if his wife Melania would believe them to be true.

    Okay, a few observations.

    1. Trump didn’t have any desire for Comey to conduct a “genuine,” investigation; he wanted him to come back with a report for Melania and the public that concluded that it did not happen. He wanted Comey, to demonstrate his loyalty by volunteering to provide a phony report and that’s why he kept calling him afterwards.

    2. I know you’ve seen Trump grab and shake the hands of people like no germaphobe you’ve ever seen*+, and I know you’ve seen put his arm around people, pull them into him and completely control their movements with bear hugs.** He’s no germaphobe. The story that he tells repeatedly that he is a germaphobe is crap.

    3. Along this line, assume the golden shower is his preference with women, and that he spoke of or engaged in it with other women, former wives or Melania. Well, when the dossier was released those women knew the allegations contained in the dossier were true, which fully explains why Trump was doing anything and everything he could to destroy the credibility of the dossier and Christopher Steele by using Comey, Nunes, Grassley, and the rest to help him do so. Nobody should be surprised if women come out of the woodwork verifying his proclivity in this regard. I certainly will not be surprised.




    • SO TRUE and so many more of those handshakes – I thought the Japanese guy was more phobic of trump! LOL! One more little note on his germaphobe lies — a germaphobe would not have unprotected sex with a porn star or a prostitute and maybe not even his own wife!

      Additionally, if trump really knew the pee story was bullshit and never happened, he would not ask anyone to investigate something that never happened — nothing to investigate. No one has a tape of something that did not happen and if someone fabricates one, then spend time and effort proving it is a lie or better yet, make them prove it is true while suing them for their life savings. Marty is right, he wanted some bullshit investigation to show Melania — who really should just pack her bags and get the hell out now.

      Also, sounds more like he knows his poor wife has other stuff she has already forgiven him and she would tend to believe this nasty event. I absolutely believe it is true. I read that dossier and keep a copy handy for my research (ha!) and I believed every word in it.

      And do not forget that Cohen’s wife is from the Ukraine and ties in nicely to assist him in sneaking around avoiding that pesky passport border thing and that Ukraine business man’s huge donation to trump’s campaign — oh, and Cohen’s brother is also married to a woman born in Ukraine.

  3. Comey did not announce the reopening of the e-mail investigation 11 days before the election in order to gain favor with Hillary. Comey knew that Congress would begin impeachment investigations the day after she was elected and he was afraid of getting swept up in the investigation if an incriminating e-mail was found on Weiner’s laptop and Comey failed to make the announcement prior to the election.

    • Comey had a real test of which move to make and I recall thinking along with him, what would have the least effect across the Nation or cause less damage to either candidate. Still, a hard choice but I thought trump would be the one to cause whatever damage was done and *since* Hillary was gonna win as the stronger and better candidate; certainly she was the smartest one with far more political savvy than trump could or would ever learn (hahaha, learn, hahaha) I came to the same conclusion as Comey ultimately did — and I was really shocked with the animosity towards him from the Democrats!

      Then I thought ok, they will catch on to the reasons behind his decision, which I still think was the best of two lousy choices. I am still shocked that some of them cannot see how she really made some bad choices, maybe did not have the aggressive kill or be killed attitude that Bannon used to target certain states along with creating slimy lies about busloads of people and illegal immigrants and loading up the electoral votes…. well, we all know how all that went down. Hillary lost the race, not Comey.

      Unfortunate timing on Comey’s decision, but it was ultimately the only one that made any sense.

      • What would Congress have done to Comey if Hillary got elected and the FBI later found incriminating e-mails to or from Hillary? Comey obviously wasn’t happy that Hillary was using her personal E-mail for Secretary of State business, or that she deleted 30,000 e-mails, but he had no basis to find criminal culpability. Hillary put Comey in a tough spot.

        • I would agree she caused the problem – add to what she did wrong and why she lost the election. He would have been wrong if he had ignored it. However, I do not believe she is a criminal – too many investigations have been done. She was careless for sure. And Comey was in a lose – lose situation as a result. Do we know for sure there were 30,000 emails – that number came out of trump’s mouth and nothing out of his mouth is ever true. Ha – Many people say so – ha!

          Comey interview will be on TV just over an hour from now — gotta make that popcorn!

  4. PaulMiller

    The trump presidency continues to sink right before our eyes.

  5. Comey’s new book, which the President says has been getting “bad reviews.” —- I thought the book was not out just yet — except to a few journalists/investigative types. Way too soon for reviews.

    • Of course, Trump is lying, about the reviews.

      His lying is a thesis of Comey’s book and the Stephanopolous interview on ABC this evening.

      If Trump says something, 93% of the time it’s a lie. The other 7% doesn’t matter.

      If Trump says something is “fake news,” 98.9% of the time it’s true. The other times he has a dry throat, tongue and mouth and is choking.

      If you see Trump is staring into space with arms folded, like you’ve seen him do countless times,* it means his mind can’t find the appropriate lie for the occasion.

      Comey states that Trump is a serial liar. However, if he wasn’t so shy, he would have added Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar, Chronic Liar, Compulsive Liar and A Sociopath.

      According to the Washington Post, Trump told over 2000 lies in his first year in office.

      WAPO’s Fact Checker found that in the first 406 days in office, using a strict standard of falsity favoring Trump, that he managed to log in 2,436 false or misleading claims.

      By all accounts Trump lies because his DNA is constructed to speak falsely and in the few cases he speaks the truth it’s because of genetic defects.

      • omg Marty, your last sentence – “By all accounts Trump lies because his DNA is constructed to speak falsely and in the few cases he speaks the truth it’s because of genetic defects.” – caused me to choke on my popcorn! You may need a good lawyer — know one? 🙂 LOL!

        I’m still tuned in to CNN panel discussion about the interview and additional pieces of information being released as the night moves on – popcorn and chocolate, alternately. There is one prick I’d like to slap off his perch at the panel.

        There was a comment by Comey that I really wanted Stephanopolous to follow up on but he did not. Comey talked about his wife being a Hillary supporter — he also talked about the Hillary people who were really angry with him and blamed him for her loss — I wanted to know what his wife said to him about all that. He speaks very highly of her and very loving and it would be interesting to hear what she thought about Hillary’s carelessness and the reaction of people towards Comey — I would suggest she knows her husband better than most other people do and would know his values and his torment making the decision about what he needed to do.

        I also hold him harmless on his mean little digs into trump’s hand size, height, length of his tie, and all those things. Even with what he said, he held back so much more! trump calls him horrible names via tweet to 50 million people and accuses him of lying and worse. I’d like to see him pound trump into the swamp!

        Morally unfit to be president of this country. HUGE statement, Loved it.

        Ok, so have your lawyer call my lawyer about my choking incident that I mentioned in my first paragraph!

  6. jbond – Not one word that even rhymes with crookedness in my note — careless. Clearly, I will say it again. I do not believe that Hillary is a criminal. I really think she was a bit over confident, as was 80% of America. Who would have ever believe this country would put that lowlife trump in the WH — seriously? And look at the damage he has already caused and continues to cause so his rich repubs can stuff their pockets. Everyone in his family and circle of friends (??) are crooked cheap thugs. He belongs in prison.

    Clear enough for ya?

  7. Pingback: Here’s What Happens Next In The Trump-China Trade War, According To Goldman |

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