Well, Donald Trump lost his mind (again) on Sunday morning and subjected America to the customary weekend self-own tweet session.
As I write these lines, Trump’s latest real-time meltdown is still unfolding to the bemusement of 51 million Twitter followers.
As of 10:00 a.m. New York time, Trump had added more than 300 words to Mein Covfefe, which is of course a work in progress and should be released in its entirety sometime after 2020, with the last chapters probably finished from federal prison.
Normally, I simply embed the tweets themselves in these posts, but I thought I would try something new today and pretend like Donald Trump is a real President by quoting him as though he were a normal person in full possession of his faculties. I think this will do a better job of driving home the sheer insanity inherent in his weekend Twitter rants.
The President began his Sunday by expressing incredulity at the notion that former FBI Director James Comey would consider the “Polls” (which the President has decided is a proper noun) when making decisions about an investigation into the handling of sensitive information.
“He was making decisions based on the fact that he thought she was going to win, and he wanted a job,” the President said of Comey, before calling him a “slimeball” for the second time in three days.
He went on to explain what, in his mind, are the “big questions” raised by Comey’s new book, which the President says has been getting “bad reviews.”
“How come he gave up Classified Information?”, Trump asked, once again creating proper nouns that didn’t previously exist before putting the word “jail” in parentheses to again suggest that the former FBI Director deserves to be imprisoned.
The President continued, shouting another question into the digital void. “Why did the DNC refuse to give Server to the FBI?”, Trump asked, creating a second new proper noun, before wondering, aloud, why they didn’t “TAKE it” (in all-caps for no readily apparent reason).
The President then called Comey’s memos “phony” before suggesting the former FBI Director has thrown Loretta Lynch “under the bus”. The phrase “under the bus” was in scare quotes in the President’s official comments, so it’s hard to know whether he was being sarcastic or whether he doesn’t understand how to use quotation marks – there was no clarification on that in the remainder of his remarks.
Trump went on to ask why Comey would not reveal details of a tarmac meeting between Lynch and former President Clinton, who Trump called “Wild Bill” on Sunday. “Golf and grandkids” were not discussed, the President insists, before imploring the former FBI Director to “give us all a break.”
In an apparent non sequitur, Trump began to assess the effectiveness of this weekend’s coalition strikes on chemical weapons facilities in Syria, calling the raid “perfectly carried out”. The “precision” of the strike, Trump said, made it impossible for the media to criticize and so, the President explained that they instead unfairly lampooned his use of the phrase “Mission Accomplished” on Saturday. That phrase was famously used by George W. Bush to describe the military campaign in Iraq which, in hindsight, was almost universally derided as a misguided boondoggle with repercussions that will echo through the ages.
Trump says he knew the media would criticize his attempt to revive the phrase in a military context, but defended himself by explaining how good it felt.
The President also said people don’t use it enough when talking about military campaigns.
“I knew they would seize on this but felt it is such a great Military term, it should be brought back,” Trump said, before underscoring the point by shouting “use often!”
To be clear, the reason the media keyed on that point is because the President has, at various times, been extremely critical of the Iraq War. For instance, in a 2004 interview with Esquire, he said the following:
I would never have handled it that way. Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C’mon. Two minutes after we leave, there’s going to be a revolution, and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he’ll have weapons of mass destruction, which Saddam didn’t have.
What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who’ve been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!
The President did not clarify the seeming discrepancy between those comments and the reuse of the phrase “Mission Accomplished!”, instead proceeding to switch back to the Comey discussion. “I never asked Comey for Personal Loyalty,” Trump said, inventing his fourth proper noun of the day, before saying “I hardly even knew this guy.”
Next, Trump lamented the sudden death of attorney-client privilege, a reference to the FBI raid on the offices of his personal attorney Michael Cohen. “I have many lawyers,” Trump said, before shouting “too many!”
Those lawyers, Trump continued, “are probably wondering when their offices, and even homes, are going to be raided with everything, including their phones and computers, taken.”
“All lawyers are deflated and concerned!”, he remarked, speaking for all 1.3 million lawyers in America.
Finally, the President branded Comey “Slippery James”, adding that in his mind, Comey is “a man who always ends up badly and out of whack.” “He is not smart!”, the President shrieked.
After shouting that Comey would invariably “go down as the WORST FBI Director in history, by far,” the President retired to his office for what we assume will be a few hours of “document study.”
That is how bizarre Trump’s tweets would sound if the media were to treat him like a normal person and cite him as such.
Just let that sink in.