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Here’s Why Trump’s Tariffs Actually Make A Lot Of Sense

"A lot of people are saying that." 

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Donald Trump’s trade war idea is getting great reviews.

And really, that’s not surprising.

Because Trump is a guy who “gets it”, ok? “A lot of people are saying that.”

 

Everyone knows that before January 2017, America was for the most part a bone-strewn wasteland, desolate and barren. It’s like Trump said in his inauguration speech:

… rusted out factories [are] scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation.

Whether you realize it or not, most of America is like Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. It’s just single parents wandering the hellscape in search of food and fuel while trying to  keep their young children from being eaten by cannibals.

The coastal elites don’t know this because unlike Donald Trump, they’re not in touch with everyday Americans. Everyday Americans like billionaire Wilbur Ross who, much like the protagonists in The Road, occasionally stumbles across a lonely can of Coke – a brightly colored memento amid the grim, monochromatic void (or, in Wilbur’s case, against the watercolor backdrop of Palm Beach County).

ross

Thankfully, we need not surrender to the dire straits bequeathed us by historical devils like Barack Obama and George Bush and Bill Clinton and another George Bush. No, we need not go gentle into that not-so-good night.

Because in our darkest hour, a champion descended on a golden escalator from the top floor of a golden tower emblazoned with his own name.

2016

And behold, that champion delivered a message of hope. No longer must we resign ourselves to a future that casts us all as extras from a Mad Max reboot. We need not become scavengers in our own land.

Because reclaiming lost greatness was as simple as anointing a reality TV show host and inshallah, all would be set right (only don’t put it that way because if you do you’ll be deported).

Of course rebuilding America from the smoldering pile of ashes it had become by the time everyone finally wised up and made Trump President takes some time. And while we’re not there yet, we’re well on the way.

That gets us back to the steel and aluminum tariffs. See, what was announced on Thursday is part of turning things around. One great way to resurrect a failed state like America is to turn back the clock about 60 years to a time when men worked in dangerous factories all day. It’s the same thing with coal mines. The best way to resurrect Appalachia and save lives that might otherwise be lost to Oxy addiction is to put people back to work in hazardous mine shafts digging up the dirtiest source of energy imaginable so we can start polluting the air again. It all makes perfect sense.

Believe it or not, the best part about the tariffs is not that it puts people back to work in  dangerous jobs while simultaneously providing those same people with a sense of false hope regarding the long-term viability of long-dead American industries. No, see that’s just a bonus.

The best part about this effort is that it will drive up prices on consumer goods for everyone. You might be inclined to think that’s a bad thing, but you need to remember that Trump solved that problem before it even came up by cutting taxes for low income Americans like Wilbur Ross.

Thanks to the fact that Trump’s tax cuts disproportionately accrue to everyday people who struggle to make ends meet like Wilbur does, any uptick in prices for things like chicken noodle soup or say, a family sedan, will be offset by the tax cuts.

That’s what Wilbur was trying to explain when he showed up on CNBC with the can of Coke shown above on the way to defending the tariffs which he himself had a role in designing.

This really does all make sense when you step back and think about it. And that’s why, coming full circle, literally everyone is giving the proposed tariffs rave reviews.

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15 comments on “Here’s Why Trump’s Tariffs Actually Make A Lot Of Sense

  1. Back on the pipe?

    • Raskinreed

      “The pipe” is soooo 20th century. Vape and edibles Dan. Funny article. Love the picture of “The Road”.

  2. Anonymous

    Wonder why the aforementioned Sen. Warren (and her comrades) are crickets on this one.

  3. Anonymous

    Great night for a single malt. Just one. Well maybe two, three max.

  4. I am so pleased that Coal, Big Oil and Steel are back in charge. The ticker tape tells me that steampunk has finally had an economic impact.

  5. Tariffs are the answer because our Foreign trade policy has failed to produce results? Do we have a Foreign Trade policy? If there has to be a war, I guess we’d all prefer a Trade War. “They are easy to win”. The great “Dealmaker” will get this done. Not holding my breath.

  6. I hope I don’t have to say this to you folks, but if you are reading this post as anything other than satire, you are a moron.

    It’s a completely satirical piece.

  7. Maybe your all time best. If you did write with a pipe, write on. I wouldn’t give back Kubla Khan on a tecnicality.

  8. Is Wilbur a major shareholder in a steel or aluminum company?

  9. H, perhaps the best satire I have read in a long time and I almost didn’t open it because of the title, but my curiosity got the better of me. Congratulations on a brilliant piece! Economists say the most jobs gained might be 100,000; however, 600,000 will certainly be lost, not to mention the cost to ALL American consumers. Billionaire Ross is now competing with Putin as ‘evil genius of the year’ as he knew how to catch ‘The Donald’ at a stressed-out, vulnerable moment, and he made sure the Secretary of State, Treasury and Secretary of Defense didn’t know about it, so ‘cooler heads’ couldn’t prevail.

    As noted above, the only consolation is a Trade War isn’t as bad as a shootin’ war. As in most wars, there may be a victor, but nobody is a ‘winner.’

  10. hahaha! Ok, I opened this yesterday, read it, read it again, rechecked at top of article to make sure it was not an article from another blog that you were presenting. I was ready to write something and post but everything I had to say was not in your favor and I was uncomfortable asking if you had lost your mind. 🙂 I guess it would be called stunned silence. I was worried about you. So I guess that means your satire worked! Please don’t do that again! hahaha!

  11. You all see the greatest point here, right? What was the big worry last month on the street? Rising AHE triggering inflation triggering Fed tightening causing recession and/or bear market. Fair summation?

    So your genius President has FIXED that, and you all can’t thank him for it!! 600,000 jobs could be lost?? See? Now I can go back to buying that dip, since all that unemployment will cool things off just enough.

    See, H? I’ve been following along diligently. Now….to go get me some followers who will re-tweet my thesis and make me famous. : )

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