Jeff Gundlach: ‘I Am A Scorpion’ In Search Of ‘Truth-Loving Souls’

"What the hell is going on over there?"

Ok, I’m just going to lay it all out on the line for you: this conspiracy against Jeff Gundlach needs to stop and it needs to stop right now.

If you’re not a regular reader, you might not be aware of what’s been going on. And that’s a cryin’ shame because the injustice has reached epic proportions.

People are out to get Jeff Gundlach and it’s starting to feel like everyone in the world is in on it.

I realize this might be news to Heisenberg newcomers, and if that’s you, I also realize it may sound strange that there’s a nationwide plot against “The Bond King.” But what you have to understand is that I think it’s weird too. And so does Gundlach.

Indeed, that’s the whole point. We can’t figure out what the fuck is going on or why this is happening to Jeff.

But we’re trying.

And you can trace the entire history of this story all the way back to Gundlach joining Twitter by clicking here and working your way back.

We can’t recount it all for you here because at this point, there are so many people in on it and the plot has gotten so convoluted, that it’s no longer possible to summarize it.

Here are the bad actors Jeff has identified so far:

  • “competitors” (who have set up fake Gundlach Twitter handles in an effort to undermine his credibility and confuse people who are trying to find the real Jeff in the Twitterverse)
  • “haters and fakers” (who are hating and faking)
  • Jim Cramer and Joe Kernen (“the alliteration twins” who are lying about Jeff on national television)
  • Bloomberg (who “jams” Jeff’s name into articles that have nothing to do with him in order to create Gundlach “clickbait”)
  • Bloomberg again (for refusing to cover a story about variable annuities that Jeff swears to Christ is important)
  • Business Insider (which “used to be ok” but is now “sad”)
  • Cameron Crise (“who?!”)
  • a California wine merchant (who sold Jeff “at least” 67 bottles of fake Bordeaux and is run by “crass hucksters!”)
  • @Jimmyjude13 (who, despite Jeff’s protestations, thinks the only think to do in Buffalo is “jerk off”)
  • the Wall Street Journal, which has been paid off by rivals to produce shoddy journalism about Jeff and his firm

Ok, so again, I’m not going to try and explain all of that to you. It’s incumbent upon you to go back and read the posts for yourself.

And for fuck’s sake: don’t you owe Jeff that? How can we, as a bunch of people who care deeply about Gundlach, blow this thing wide open if everyone doesn’t go back and read about how this has unfolded?

Well, the saving grace here is that Jeff is no pushover. Far from it.

Jeff is “a truth fan.”

Jeff is “a Bills fan.”

Jeff is “an art fan.”

Jeff is “DoubleLine CEO.”

Jeff is “Barron’s ‘New Bond King.'”

Jeff is in “Bloomberg 50 Most Influential.”

Jeff is “Institutional Investor ‘MMOTY.'”

Jeff is in the “FIASI ‘Hall of Fame.'”


Jeff is a hologram.


Jeff is “the one, the only”.


Jeff is “Jerry Seinfeld.”


And just moments ago, we learned that Jeff is also a pacifist scorpion:


A scorpion who “fights back.” And “hard.”

But also a scorpion who generally “overestimates” the number of “successful,” “truth-loving souls” in the world.


Perhaps this follower of Jeff’s summed it up best:


We don’t know Brett.

We have no fucking clue.





4 comments on “Jeff Gundlach: ‘I Am A Scorpion’ In Search Of ‘Truth-Loving Souls’

  1. Winning! Jeff is dishing out the truth and bringing home the bacon bigly! All you haters are on notice now. Doubleline? No doubledown on the truth!

    • guy is a constant source of entertainment

      • His personality and demeanor have morphed into a “mini-mi” trump. I swear he must practice in the mirror. Wonder how he will change as this slow motion trump train wreck devolves further. All I know is he needs to stop wearing blue leisure suits with his complexion, bone structure, and hair. He comes off looking like a “wedding singer”.

  2. Spunky McGregor

    I am glad to hear another Arachnid (nee Scorpiones) finally show himself. It shows great character to admit to the closeted Class, and even greater character still to admit to being a fan of the Bills. A rare specimen, indeed.

    What’s that you ask? Is that a colander on my head? No, it’s my carapace. It is how we signal one-another.
    Now, I have to go. I think my mate is ready to feast on my thorax. It has been a pleasure knowing you all.


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