Ok, so the thing you have to understand about Trump is that he eludes satire.
The man is a marvel when it comes to saying things that are so unbelievably ridiculous that all attempts to lampoon them invariably fall woefully short of the statements that are being lampooned.
We are, after all, talking about a man who recently got up in front of thousands of Boy Scouts at a national jamboree event and told them their nation’s capital is a steaming pile of shit.
Later, when asked by Gerard Baker, WSJ’s editor in chief, about the “mixed” reaction (where “mixed” means the Boy Scouts formally issued an apology for Trump’s outlandish behavior), the President said this:
From the time I walked out on the stage — because I know. And by the way, I’d be the first to admit mixed. I’m a guy that will tell you mixed. There was no mix there. That was a standing ovation from the time I walked out to the time I left, and for five minutes after I had already gone. There was no mix.
And I got a call from the head of the Boy Scouts saying it was the greatest speech that was ever made to them, and they were very thankful. So there was — there was no mix.
That of course is all lies, including (and especially) the part about the Boy Scouts calling him. Hours after the transcript of the WSJ interview was leaked by Politico, the Scouts confirmed that Trump literally made that up. There was no call. It never happened.
Fast forward to Wednesday night and Trump is now in a war of words with Golf.com, who published a story that quoted him as calling the White House a “dump” (which I guess is better than “a cesspool” although “cesspool” implies “dump”):
— Walter White (@heisenbergrpt) August 1, 2017
Now, Trump has apparently added Golf.com to the ever-longer list of outlets that are “fake news”:
Yes, “TOTALLY UNTRUE.”
Except that according to the reporter who wrote the story, at least “eight or nine” other people heard him say it and not only that, it is now enshrined “into legend at Trump Bedminster”:
I explained to her: It’s not a lie. The president said this in front of eight or nine members and staffers at Bedminster. The week of the U.S. Women’s Open, I heard the same story told by two or three different other sources. This is certainly a moment that has already passed into legend at Trump Bedminster. It might be inconvenient for her boss and she might wish he didn’t say it, but it’s not a lie.
And it gets better.
Golf.com is a site that Trump has previously heaped praise on. Here are all his tweets about the site:
Again, Trump is only your friend until you tell people what he actually says. After that, it’s all over for you.
But wait! There’s more.
The Washington Post has now released the transcript of President Trump’s Jan. 27 call with Mexico President Enrique Pena Nieto and it is a fucking disaster. Here’s a fun picture:
And here are some highlights:
- Pena Nieto tells Trump, “My position has been and will continue to be very firm saying that Mexico cannot pay for that wall”
- Trump responds, “But you cannot say that to the press. The press is going to go with that and I cannot live with that”
- Trump earlier tells Pena Nieto in call, “We are both in a little bit of a political bind because I have to have Mexico pay for the wall — I have to. I have been talking about it for a two-year period”
- Trump also tells Pena Nieto, “I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den — is coming from the southern border”
- N.H. Democrats criticized comment; Sen. Maggie Hassan, D-N.H., tweets in response that Trump’s “comments about New Hampshire are disgusting”; Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, D-N.H., said Trump owes her state an apology
- NOTE: Trump didn’t win N.H. in general election, Hillary Clinton did by a little less than 3,000 votes; Trump won N.H. primary in Republican nomination contest
- “On the wall, you and I both have a political problem,” Trump said. “My people stand up and say, ‘Mexico will pay for the wall,’ and your people probably say something in a similar but slightly different language.”
And just in case you think it couldn’t possible get any worse, WaPo also released the transcript of Trump’s call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull on Jan. 28 and it’s just as bad. To wit:
- “I have had it,” Trump tells Turnbull, “I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous”
- Trump was expressing dissatisfaction with Obama admin. agreement to accept 1,250 asylum seekers being held on Pacific island of Nauru in return for Australia accepting refugees from Central America
- “It is important to you and it is embarrassing to me,” Trump tells Turnbull, adding, “But at least I got you off the hook. So you put me back on the hook”
- “This is going to kill me,” he said to Turnbull. “I am the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country.”
So let’s just catalogue this. In the last 48 hours we’ve learned that Trump:
- told WSJ that the Boy Scouts called him to tell him that his jamboree speech “was the greatest speech ever made” only to have the Scouts call him a liar
- called the White House “a dump” at his golf club, called Golf.com “fake news” on Twitter, only to have the reporter call him a liar
- called New Hampshire a “drug-infested den” on a call with Pena Nieto
- instructed Nieto not to tell the press that Mexico wasn’t going to pay for his border wall
- lied to Nieto about winning New Hampshire
- told Malcolm Turnbull that the only pleasant call he had all day was the one with Putin
- reminded Turnbull that he is “the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country”, a revelation that comes just as the White House insists that the new immigration law isn’t an attempt to discriminate
And that’s just what we’ve learned in the past 48 hours.