Paris Accord Satire: “Earth Is A Loser Planet – Maybe The Worst In The Solar System”

Paris Accord Satire: “Earth Is A Loser Planet – Maybe The Worst In The Solar System”

On Thursday evening we explained, with a little help from WaPo’s Alexandra Petri, why America’s exit from the Paris Accord was unequivocally a positive development.

See the thing is, planet Earth is a veritable orgy of excess. Everywhere you look nature is flaunting its wealth and then turning around and asking Americans to make cuts so it (nature) can continue to splurge.

I mean what are we really doing by curbing carbon emissions other than subsidizing nature’s out-of-control excessiveness?

Take polar bears for instance. For one thing, these fuckers wear fur coats – how’s that for conspicuous consumption?

They also insist that anything other than ice is unacceptable in terms of where they want to live. Well guess what polar bears? I’d like to live only in mansions made of diamond-encrusted marble, but it ain’t gonna happen. So you know, maybe settle for the woods – like other bears.

But really, people like me and Alexandra Petri are just wasting our breath. Because as Mike Pence so eloquently put it on Friday, “for some reason, this issue of climate change has emerged as a paramount issue.”

Yes, “for some reason.” Who the fuck knows what that reason is. Apparently 195 nations know and obviously the liberals think they know as well, but as far as we’re concerned, it’s a goddamn mystery.

And no matter how many times we explain what a freeloader Earth is (leeching off the American Middle Class) and how this whole thing is actually a Chinese hoax, people are going to keep saying that the climate matters.

So rather than continue to waste time arguing with these clueless people by explaining the rationale behind backing out of deals that make no sense, maybe it’s best if we just cut the bullshit and state the cold, hard facts: Earth is a loser of a planet and if the deal we cut with Earth isn’t working out, well there are plenty of other planets out there that are ready to talk.

Here’s The New Yorker’s satirist Andy Borowitz with more…

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)–In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.

“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”

Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right: Earth.”

When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”

Trump’s remarks drew a strong response from one of the United States’ nato allies, Germany’s Angela Merkel. “I strongly support Donald Trump leaving the planet Earth,” she said.


3 thoughts on “Paris Accord Satire: “Earth Is A Loser Planet – Maybe The Worst In The Solar System”

  1. Yes, our planet doesn’t give a sh*t about us one way or another. Another extinction is just a long re-balancing of events without all the “noise” of obfuscation vs the clear science of knowledge. Myth, religion, denial, ignorance, stupidity, $$$$$, power, lies all continue to prevail as our planet reacts to our treatment of it. Earth will have the last word on our survival, it’s just a FACT.

    Does anyone REALLY think 7.5 billion people (and rising) is not having any effect on the outcome? Population is the 800 lb gorilla (if we can still find one) in this discussion …….wait for it……..what discussion??? With few exceptions hardly anyone will take on the biggest problem of our time, “there are too many people on our planet to sustain it”. Wars will be fought over food, water, land and of course (the always present scourge) religion. Reason: Over-population. Climate issues well into our future Reason: over-population.

    Almost any global problem you can think of has a direct link to over-population. Religion is the problem not a solution, if you can’t afford to raise a child don’t have one, simple right. Religious BS which has no basis in fact, no matter how much many people want to BELIEVE it does keeps this much needed discussion from happening.

    We need serious leaders (ha,ha,ha) no matter how they look, no matter what language they speak, no matter what sex they are, no matter which god they believe in to take this on if not Over-population will eventually kill us all. Sorry, just a simple FACT.

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