As Trump Exits Paris Climate Accord, Earth’s Days Of Freeloading Are Over

As Trump Exits Paris Climate Accord, Earth’s Days Of Freeloading Are Over

You know, I think it’s useful to take a step back and appreciate how much Donald Trump really has accomplished in his first four months+ in office.

See at a certain level, he’s exceeded expectations. He’s made a believer of the non-believers. Those who underestimated him have indeed been taught a lesson.

Because think about it – how many people did you hear back in January asking questions like, “how bad can he possibly be?” Or saying things like, “surely to God he won’t act this way once he’s actually President.”

Well how wrong those folks were. They were wrong “bigly.”

Trump has (literally) managed to:

  1. bring the world to the brink of nuclear war
  2. obstruct an investigation into whether or not he and his associates committed treason
  3. and now (Thursday) break with 195 nations on the seemingly irrefutable notion that protecting the environment is important

So that’s: nuclear war, treason, and destroy the planet. And all in less than five months.

In fact, it’s hard to imagine how it could possibly get any worse from here. But then again, this is Trump we’re talking about, so you know…

Well in honor of the President’s decision to join Syria and Nicaragua as the only two countries not on board with the Paris Agreement (and you’re reminded that the only reason Nicaragua didn’t sign was because – and this is a quote – it “did not do enough to protect ‘Mother Earth'”), we thought the following bit of satire from WaPo’s Alexandra Petri was appropriate.

Via WaPo

Planet Earth has been taking advantage of America for too long

Nationalists in the Trump administration are right. We should withdraw from the Paris climate accord.

This would be a real victory. America, after all, is on its own planet.

Before Earth asks us to step up and help protect it, it should take stock of its own contributions. There is, frankly, a lot of waste there. It has flourished too long without cuts, and now it is time to pay the piper.

If there is one thing I have learned from “Planet Earth” it is that Earth has a lot of areas where it could tighten its belt before asking me to lower my emissions.

Look at the wanton extravagance of the planet. Pandas. Mosquitoes. Butterflies. Elephant seals. Birds, some garishly colored, waking me up in the morning by shouting come-ons at one another. Armored beetles. Arctic foxes. I ask you. Who needs all this?

Gibbons. Naked mole rats. Those monkeys with bulbous noses who look like J. Pierpont Morgan and those other monkeys with buttocks in obscene hues. Those things in the ocean that look like they’re wearing headlamps. When was the last time we used any of this? Do we really need it? Does it spark joy?

Absurd big birds in black and white tuxedos. Demanding bears in white fur coats who insist they need floating ice to survive. Maybe they should ditch those luxury garments and try to live like the rest of us. And don’t get me started on coral reefs, fragile palaces of underwater porcelain that certain fish INSIST are the only possible place they can live. Toughen up, fish.

We have horses. Why do we need zebras? We should go through the ape house and ask ourselves if some of these monkeys are not too small to be useful. For instance, marmosets. Everything about electric eels is excessive.

What are armadillos good for but bothering drivers? What are dolphins good for but interfering with tuna fishing? Spotted owls are just protesters in disguise who move their habitats from place to place preventing necessary infrastructure projects.

Do we need mushrooms AND baobabs AND cougars AND rhinos? The Trump boys have been doing their best to eliminate waste in at least one of these areas, but we could do with even more.

Earth is full of freeloaders and parasites and bloodsuckers: the stinking corpse flower. Epiphytes. Flukes. Ticks. The vampire bat. The leech. It should take a good look at itself before it asks us for support.

Maybe it doesn’t need all this land. Has it considered that? Maybe it could have a little more ocean. Maybe that would make it thriftier and more efficient.

Right now, it’s embarrassing to look at. Deserts. Whole giant expanses of nothing but hot sand. Ice floes, really? Does Earth think it is an expensive cocktail?

Forests? What are they but fire hazards?

Marshes are just breeding grounds for alligators, who would devour everything we hold dear and end the American way of life if they got their way.

Tundra. Taiga. Permafrost. Is all this necessary, or is some of it just there for aesthetic purposes? Vast expanses of grassland. Lava fields. Bogs. Mesas. Big rocks. Little rocks. I would guess that we could cut back in some of these areas. Maybe starting with the ice, which takes a lot of effort to maintain.

Think of all the destruction that these features have been responsible for. Glaciers are always devouring hikers. Mount Everest kills climbers every single year. And don’t forget that time an iceberg took down a whole liner full of passengers. It is time we put an end to these dangerous eco-terrorists. It is time the Earth cut back.

Some people whine, “Think about the children.” Look at the budget that was just submitted to Congress. Does it look like we care about children?

Why should we do anything nice for the children? Or worse, the grandchildren? Why would you ever allow yourself to be even slightly inconvenienced on behalf of people you may never meet who will definitely have cooler cellphones than you? Sounds like a fool’s bargain. Well, we have been too lenient on grandchildren before. No more are they getting nice things at our expense. That deficit ends now.

Time to put America first. America is its own thing; one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Our polar bears are safe in zoos. If we run out of them we can make more using CGI.

Extreme heat? Maybe elsewhere, but not here, in America, where Jim Inhofe was able to bring a *snowball* to the floor of Congress. America is impervious to volcanoes and floods and hurricanes. We will shield ourselves with prayer and new improved data sets that show that these things do not exist.

Just in case, we can build a bigger wall. We are not part of a fragile blue marble hurtling through space. That is other people. The world exists only when my eyes are open. When I close them, I alone am the world.

Planet Earth has been taking advantage of America for too long.


5 thoughts on “As Trump Exits Paris Climate Accord, Earth’s Days Of Freeloading Are Over

  1. If the Deplorables could read they would take this article/satire seriously. What a con job your Pres. is pulling on the poor in your country They are the people who will truly get ripped off the most by your “rich” fascist, asshole leader.
    You sane Yanks have to get busy and get the anti Trump vote out next time. I humbly ask as a friendly and worried neighbor please lobby to get more voting places established next election. We have time off to vote in Canada. At least have your vote on the weekend. As far as the Climate Change Accord we Canucks are sticking with it even though its going to make us less competitive with U.S. The elephant rolls over and we get squashed!

  2. Brilliant, as the Me, Me, I, I, States of America cannot be imposed upon to again “Do the Right Thing”. We are way too busy and self-absorbed in the next drama self created to self-absorb us while our “leaders” ponder their fate in their self-absorbed next election. A lot of self-absorbing going on here in the Self-Absorbed States of America. Climate CHANGE, “We Don’t Need No Stinking Climate Change”. Fu*k the rest of the world, It’s Amerika First and Made Great by dumb-shit republicans/democrats who don’t give a sh*t about your children or their grandchildren either. They prove it every day they let this Assh*le of a human being stay in office. AGAIN: These people are dangerous………..

  3. Well put. An act of future genocide has just been made by the leader of the so called free world. The Paris Trials should be set up to put these deniers on notice that they can not hide in time or place and will be held accountable. There’s only seven odd billion people in a universe of trillions of planets and these cunts want to kill off this most precious, amazing and special advanced life form, as well as every other of the most amazing life forms mentioned above. The fastest extinction event in earths geological history is taking place and civilisation is quickly running out of time.
    Crunch Time is Upon Us.

  4. Have you seen those politician’s faces….how old are they? Sure a lot of worn out faces and gray to white hair, some talk so slow you fall asleep between words! Time for some younger blood to sit in those seats and make wiser decisions. This cretin and all his minions don’t give a rat’s ass about even a couple of decades from now — they won’t be around — and even the few that may care about the future of this planet will most likely have some rule changes over the next couple years. All these current ones think about is just what Curt Tyner says…, me, I, I…. and all their rich old buddies. The applause from the other decision makers, when he made his big announcement – literally made me sick.

    – Murphy

  5. “We will shield ourselves with prayer and new improved data sets that show that these things do not exist.”
    Brilliant! Would be funny if it wasn’t so true!

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