Alex Jones Is A Dope Smokin’, Zebra Eatin’, Pantless Fit Parent

[Sarcasm ahead]

Ok, so regular readers know that here at Heisenberg Report, we’re big fans of conspiracy theories.

After all, nothing says “legitimate source of information” like a story (or eight) per day positing false flag terrorist attacks on Manhattan, an Obama-sponsored campaign to implant spy cameras in microwave ovens, a CIA operation aimed at hiding miniature intelligence operatives in the home buttons of “factory fresh” iPhones, a nefarious plot to frame the Kremlin by driving truckloads of extremely life-like child mannequins into the desert and putting respirators on their plastic faces in order to fake a chemical attack that definitely didn’t happen in Idlib, and of course, a vast, global effort to bring back serfdom orchestrated at the highest levels by George Soros.

Because we think all of those theories have a whole lot of merit and definitely have a place in serious geopolitical analysis, we try to push them whenever possible. Of course they also generate enormous amounts of traffic which makes us rich and by definition means we’re exploiting uneducated netizens for monetary gain, but that’s just a coincidence. The real reason we run stories like those listed above is because we care about the truth and want readers to question the prevailing narrative.

Given that, you can probably surmise that we love Alex Jones and his popular show “InfoWars.”

Recently, one reader (“Joe”), took us to task on our affinity for Jones and boy did we set Joe straight. You can read the post here, but basically, Joe tried to debunk Jone’s claim that the lining of juice boxes turns frogs into bisexuals. That theory is of course demonstrably true, which is why we had to highlight several clips in which Jones proves as much.

Well it’s not just Joe that’s out to sabotage Jones. Turns out his ex-wife wants custody of Alex’s kids because she claims Jones isn’t a fit parent. For those interested in the full backstory, you can read it here.

Kelly Jones (that’s the ex) claims Alex is unstable. She’s basing that on clips like this one:

Alex’s lawyers counter that the batshit crazy Right-winger isn’t actually batshit crazy but is in fact a “performance artist playing a character” which was news to a whole lot of people who take Jones seriously. People like Donald Trump.

As the custody battle drags on, we’re getting a more complete picture of Jones. That picture is one of a man who is fond of getting naked in counseling sessions and who about once a year smokes weed that George Soros laced with chemicals in order to work up an appetite which he then satisfies by eating zebra steaks and mind-erasing chili. 

See there?

We’re not sure why anyone thinks Alex wouldn’t be a fantastic parent.

And coming full circle, all of this just validates why we’re so fond of pushing conspiracy theories that so many misguided liberals deride as crazy bullshit. Now we have Jones, on the stand, testifying to the veracity of everything we (and hopefully you) already knew to be true:

  1. George Soros laces our weed
  2. zebra meat is tasty
  3. chili erases memories (but not necessarily breakfast tacos)
  4. counseling sessions are “no pants” affairs

Any questions?

This one should be open and shut. #GiveAlexhiskidsback

AJ

 

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One thought on “Alex Jones Is A Dope Smokin’, Zebra Eatin’, Pantless Fit Parent

  1. This lunatic is clearly a lunatic. He should not be on air. He is only on air because someone put him there. Most likely to make money with absolutely no regard to repercussions or a potential negative effect on society. That someone is reprehensible. Others like that someone are doing the same thing because the first someone is making money and the cycle continues and now we see and feel the results of that greed. Our society, or at least a large portion of it, succumbed to the insane rants and conspiracy theories ‘exposed’ by such unacceptable behavior and voila, Trump became President.

    Like

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