“Pour one out for poor Michael Cohen, who is really, really bad at crime. No matter how much he practices, he always fucks it up. And he practices A LOT.”
“We are old enough to remember when this guy insisted that the investigation would be over in two weeks, but please, tell us more about the time when Robert Mueller sat down with Rudy Giuliani for a long heart-to-heart about legal strategy!”
“Well, this is awkward.”
Now, everyone listed in that document is scrambling around to try and explain exactly why they wired a shit load of money to a shell company that, among other things, was used to payoff a goddamn porn star who (allegedly) spanked the President of the United States with a magazine, before fucking him while watching Shark Week.
Good luck explaining this.
“If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if you’re too stupid to do any of those things, send in Rudy Giuliani.” –Carl Sandburg, more or less
“There is no strategy. No nine-dimensional chess. No secret plan to own the libs. There’s just a bunch of bumbling old fools, arrogant enough to think they can beat Robert Mueller by WINGIN’ IT!”
“The wires were tapped!”
“Giuliani promised when he came onto Trump’s “legal” team that the Robert Mueller investigation would be over within a couple of weeks, but we didn’t know he meant it would be over BY DEFAULT, because the entire world had literally died laughing over how Giuliani stepped on his own dick and in the process banged his client’s OTHER most pressing legal matter to death.”
“Think about Trump’s legal problems as a three-car pile-up, with Trump and Cohen in the middle vehicle. If they pull forward, they’ll hit the criminal investigation. If they move backward, they’ll hit the civil suit.”
Yeah, I mean what do you expect, right?
“I don’t see Michael doing that”.
“I have found my true soulmate. And even though Esmerelda is a goat, I know we’ll be very happy together.”
The President wishes you a happy Wednesday.