Michael Cohen Said Ready To Cooperate With Feds In Egregious Blow To Trump’s ‘Beleaguered’ Legal Team

WITCH HUNT!

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So Michael Cohen Met With A Russian Oligarch In Trump Tower 11 Days Before The Inauguration And Got A $1 Million Consulting Contract From His Cousin Two Weeks Later. Is That Really All That Suspicious?!

“Pour one out for poor Michael Cohen, who is really, really bad at crime. No matter how much he practices, he always fucks it up. And he practices A LOT.”

Tell Us More Rudy Giuliani. Please, God Tell Us More.

“We are old enough to remember when this guy insisted that the investigation would be over in two weeks, but please, tell us more about the time when Robert Mueller sat down with Rudy Giuliani for a long heart-to-heart about legal strategy!”

In Retrospect, AT&T Realizes Paying Michael Cohen Was A Terrible, Terrible Idea

“Well, this is awkward.”

‘Who Knew Michael Cohen Was Leonardo da Vinci?’ Trump Lawyer Trolled As Novartis, AT&T Struggle To Explain Ties To Porn Star Slush Fund

Now, everyone listed in that document is scrambling around to try and explain exactly why they wired a shit load of money to a shell company that, among other things, was used to payoff a goddamn porn star who (allegedly) spanked the President of the United States with a magazine, before fucking him while watching Shark Week.

Does Anyone Know How These Russians Got Into Michael Cohen’s Porn Star Slush Fund? If So, Let Him Know, Because He Has No Idea.

Good luck explaining this.

Rudy Giuliani, Philosopher, Poses Kantian Question ‘What Is Truth?’

“If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if you’re too stupid to do any of those things, send in Rudy Giuliani.” –Carl Sandburg, more or less

How To Confess To Multiple Crimes On National Television: A Lawsplainer For Rudy Giuliani

“There is no strategy. No nine-dimensional chess. No secret plan to own the libs. There’s just a bunch of bumbling old fools, arrogant enough to think they can beat Robert Mueller by WINGIN’ IT!”

Oh, Dear God: Feds ‘Monitored’ Michael Cohen’s Phone, Logged Call With White House

“The wires were tapped!”

It Was A Dark And ‘Stormy’ Night When Rudy Giuliani Went On Sean Hannity And Completely Screwed Donald Trump

“Giuliani promised when he came onto Trump’s “legal” team that the Robert Mueller investigation would be over within a couple of weeks, but we didn’t know he meant it would be over BY DEFAULT, because the entire world had literally died laughing over how Giuliani stepped on his own dick and in the process banged his client’s OTHER most pressing legal matter to death.”

How Bad Was Trump’s Fox & Friends Meltdown From A Legal Perspective? Here’s A Lawsplainer

“Think about Trump’s legal problems as a three-car pile-up, with Trump and Cohen in the middle vehicle. If they pull forward, they’ll hit the criminal investigation. If they move backward, they’ll hit the civil suit.”

Jeff Sessions Won’t Recuse Himself From Cohen Probe Because If He Does That, How Will He Feed Trump All The Juicy Details?

Yeah, I mean what do you expect, right? 

Trump Wakes Up, Says ‘Flunkie’ Haberman Is Conspiring With ‘Drunk Losers’ To Get Cohen To ‘Flip’

“I don’t see Michael doing that”.

Here Are Some Fun Theories About The Question On Everyone’s Mind: ‘WTF Sean Hannity And Michael Cohen?’

“I have found my true soulmate. And even though Esmerelda is a goat, I know we’ll be very happy together.”

Trump Wakes Up, Says Porn Stars Are Making Up Tom Bradys, Says He’s Excited To Meet Kim Jong-Un

The President wishes you a happy Wednesday.