‘The Passion Of The Donald’: Trump’s FBI Conspiracy Theory In His Own Words

By Doktor Zoom as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission 

Before a meeting with defense officials last night, Donald Trump had himself a fine little meltdown about yesterday’s raids on the office, home, and hotel room of Trump’s personal attorney and fixer Michael Cohen. Boy, was he mad! The meeting was ostensibly called so Trump could put on his Commander In Chief hat (how he longs for an actual hat!) and discuss how to respond to a chemical weapons attack by the Syrian government on its own people. But for at least the first few minutes, Trump was far busier explaining that America itself is under attack, in the form of people being mean to Donald Trump. Don’t be surprised if Trump decides to vent some of his anger by choosing the most destructive option against Syria. And possibly a cruise missile strike on the Special Counsel’s office.

Oh, but what a fine smorgasbord of Trump coming unhinged. Right from the very first words!

So, I just heard that they broke in to the office of one of my personal attorneys, a good man, and it’s a disgraceful situation. It’s a total witch hunt. I’ve been saying it for a long time. I’ve wanted to keep it down. We’ve given, I believe, over a million pages worth of documents to the special counsel.

You know what isn’t a break-in? A legal search, with a warrant signed by a judge and authorized by the US Attorney’s office for the Southern District of New York, that’s what. It’s actually a fairly complicated process, not just a bunch of goons knocking down the door – especially if the warrant involves searching an attorney’s office. There are rules for that and everything, as Kellyanne Conway’s husband, George, helpfully reminded the president! And let’s not forget: The US Attorney in this case is Geoffrey Berman,a Trump administration appointee. Update/Correction: turns out that Berman was recused, and we know nothing about this deputy US attorney who signed off on the raid, Karl M. Deepstate.

But remember, just as Richard Nixon’s obstinacy in refusing to turn over the Watergate tapes wasn’t about hiding his own crimes but rather was to protect The Presidency, any investigation of Donald Trump is an actual attack on America and the Flag and our precious bodily fluids:

I have this witch hunt constantly going on for over 12 months now, and actually much more than that. You could say it was right after I won the nomination it started. And it’s a disgrace, it’s frankly a real disgrace. It’s an attack on our country in a true sense. It’s an attack on what we all stand for.

Hey, remember when Obama would mention his daughters as part of a speech and wingnuts went crazy over how he was making everything all about him? We’re open to suggestions as to how a by-the-book search of Cohen’s office is an attack on “all we stand for,” especially since at this point, it’s not even clear what evidence the FBI was after. Probably evidence of FREEDOM, so they could kill it forever. And yeah, MOAR WITCH HUNT:

So this has been going on, I saw one of the reporters who is not necessarily a fan of mine, not necessarily very good to me, he said in effect that this is ridiculous, this is now getting ridiculous. They found no collusion whatsoever with Russia, the reason they found it is there was no collusion at all. No collusion.

Translation: “In direct messages, the very people criticizing me in the comments say I’m right.” As far as Yr Wonkette can tell, this one very critical reporter who says this is ridiculous is now in hiding with all the news anchors who sent him letters praising that immigration meeting back in January.

And then there are all those Democrats persecuting him:

This is the most biased group of people, these people have the biggest conflicts of interest I’ve ever seen. Democrats, all – or just about all – either Democrats, or a couple of Republicans that worked for President Obama – they’re not looking at the other side. They’re not looking at the Hillary Clinton, horrible things that she did and all of the crimes that were committed.

Translation: “I only watch Fox News, so I still think the raid on Cohen’s office was orchestrated by Robert Mueller. As of right now, everyone in the Department of Justice is a Democrat, especially the people I appointed.” Trump went on to bitch, again, that Jeff Sessions never should have recused himself, that the FBI should have arrested Hillary Clinton over her emails, and also this attack on our democracy is why the stock market dropped, which at least was a brand new lie. We wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d insisted that three million illegal immigrants voted for Jeff Sessions.

After that, Trump settled down and talked about Syria for a while, only returning to the Passion Of The Trump when he took questions from reporters. Why hasn’t he just fired Mueller, and is he going to fire Mueller now?

We’ll see what happens. But I think it’s really a sad situation when you look at what happened. And many people have said, “You should fire him.” Again, they found nothing. And in finding nothing, that’s a big statement.

That will once again be big news to the people who’ve taken guilty pleas. Bet they feel kind of silly. Then it was time to praise and complain about Rod Rosenstein, who said Comey had to be fired, so you know maybe Trump should fire a lot of other people now, like maybe Rosenstein, because FISA warrant and now this thing with Cohen, and whatever else Sean Hannity whispers in his ear, too. Why isn’t anyone talking about our real problems, like Loretta Lynch and Uranium One? And why won’t Barack Obama release his college transcripts?

In conclusion, get ready for Trump to start bombing shit. He’s very concerned about this Syria situation.

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One thought on “‘The Passion Of The Donald’: Trump’s FBI Conspiracy Theory In His Own Words

  1. I don’t care what Doktor Zoom of the Wonkette thinks. I want to hear Heisenberg’s thoughts.

    My opinion is: Get out of Syria and stay out. It’s not our business, despite atrocities or the potential outcomes.

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