Satire (Sort Of): Comey Fired For Special-Ordering A Pair Of “Tiny Handcuffs”

Obviously, James Comey was fired by Donald Trump because the President didn’t like the idea of the FBI looking into the administration’s ties to the Kremlin.

If you say otherwise you’re either i) lying to yourself (sort of forgivable because it’s emotionally stressful to admit things like this if you’re a Trump supporter), or ii) lying to other people (not forgivable because, well, because you’re lying to other people presumably to advance some agenda you have). 

As detailed in these pages (here and here) and everywhere else, this story the White House is pushing about Trump being angry at Comey for being mean to Hillary Clinton is so laughable that no one has really been able to find the right combination of words to convey the level of incredulity lawmakers and commentators alike are feeling.

It’s so stupid that it completely eludes attempts to explain how stupid it is.

It’s so stupid that the alt-Right is so far refusing to even acknowledge the fact that the White House did in fact offer it up as the reason for Comey’s firing.

That’s how bad it is.

“But everyone has the letter and that’s what the letter says.” “No it doesn’t.” “Well, yes it does. It says it right here.” “Just read the letter.” “I am. I’m reading it to you.”

That was essentially the exchange between CNN and Kellyanne Conway on Tuesday evening (you should watch it).

It’s abundantly clear that deputy attorney general Rod Rosenstein is just Devin Nunes 2.0. “Here’s what you’re going to do Rod…”

Well, guess what? This (from NY Times):

Days before he was fired, James Comey, the former F.B.I. director, asked the Justice Department for a significant increase in resources for the bureau’s investigation into Russia’s interference in the presidential election, according to three congressional officials who were briefed on his request.

Mr. Comey asked for the resources last week from Rod J. Rosenstein, the deputy attorney general, who also wrote the Justice Department’s memo that was used to justify the firing of Mr. Comey this week, the officials said.

Mr. Comey then briefed members of Congress on the meeting in recent days, telling them about his meeting with Mr. Rosenstein, who is the most senior law enforcement official supervising the Russia investigation. Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself because of his close ties to the Trump campaign and his undisclosed meetings with the Russian ambassador.

So James Comey, who is was conducting an investigation into the Trump administration’s ties to Moscow, asked the deputy attorney general for more resources for said investigation, and the reason he had to ask Rosenstein in the first place was because Sessions had to recuse himself for lying about his own ties to Russia (under oath), and then days later, Rosenstein pops up with a recommendation to fire Comey and that recommendation is seconded by Sessions, who because of having recused himself, shouldn’t be involved at all.

Can you imagine what the Right-wing media would be saying if this were the Obama administration? It would be a veritable feeding frenzy.

In any event, we thought this was a great time to reprint a post from early February by The New Yorker‘s satirist .

Via The New Yorker

F.B.I. TO SPECIAL-ORDER A PAIR OF TINY HANDCUFFS

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Federal Bureau of Investigation is special-ordering a pair of “tiny handcuffs,” an F.B.I. spokesman confirmed on Wednesday.

The spokesman, Harland Dorrinson, downplayed the significance of the handcuff purchase, calling it “strictly routine.”

“In reviewing our inventory of handcuffs, we found that we only had models that fit normal-sized hands,” Dorrinson said. “This order is intended to remedy that.”

The F.B.I. spokesperson said that, if regulation-sized handcuffs were used on a suspect with “extremely small or tiny hands,” the suspect could slip out of them and elude capture.

“That’s the scenario we’re trying to avoid with these minuscule handcuffs,” he said.

Dorrinson would not speculate when the special-ordered pair of microscopic handcuffs might be used, but he added that the F.B.I. expects to receive them “by the end of the day at the very latest.”

“If by chance we need to apprehend someone with abnormally small, mouse-sized hands, we will be ready,” he said.

handcuffs

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