The FBI Is On Fire (Not, Like, The Reichstag. But Maybe That Too!)

By Evan Hurst as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission 

FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe is quitting, which we knew was going to happen; he was planning on peacing the fuck out in March once his pension kicks in. Now he is leaving immediately, but still technically waiting until March once his pension kicks in, to “retire.” How are both of these things true? Well you see, he has a lot of vacay days built up, so he’s going on vacay until March, when his retirement is official.

BUT WHY THOUGH?

McCabe, of course, has been the target of a months-long Two Minutes Hate campaign led by President Banana Republic, who has lobbed accusations that McCabe is somehow compromised because he is married to a Democrat, which means McCabe is literally Hillary Clinton dressed up as a boy. Even worse, McCabe supervised the Hillary emails investigation (before recusing himself for first-degree of separation from a known Democrat) and didn’t even #LockHerUp. Unfair! Trump was attacking McCabe as recently as last week after news broke that Trump had slithered up real close to McCabe after the Comey firing, grabbed him by the pussy and asked him who he voted for.

NBC News, which broke the story, stands by its reporting that McCabe was not forced out. However, according to CBS News, he was forced out. Who is right? Are they just interpreting the same news differently? Dunno, guess we’ll have to wait for expert analysis from Sean Hannity!

But we are curious exactly WTF is going on here, especially considering the timing. Devin Nunes’s House Intelligence Committee has used a procedural move to #ReleaseTheMemo, the memo Nunes wrote down in pee based on classified information he hasn’t actually seen, which alleges GRAVE MISCONDUCT by James Comey, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, and (you guessed it!) Andrew McCabe. (According to Democratic ranking member Adam Schiff, it alleges cherry-picked “talking points.”)

So was this an agreement among FBI top brass to make Nunes and Trump and their cohort of wet monkey farts believe they’re getting a scalp, even though this guy was leaving in March anyway? (This very good Twitter thread suggests that.) Or is there something more sinister going on here?

Here are some things we know, along with some wild speculating, like we do ’round here at the Wonkette:

  • McCabe was gonna retire anyway.
  • He’s in Nunes’s dumbstupid memo.
  • McCabe is one of the people James Comey confided in months ago, about Trump’s request for a loyalty oath signed in blood, and his attempts to get Comey to kill the Russia investigation. Therefore, McCabe is a witness.
  • Indeed, the president’s attacks on McCabe himself may be part of the obstruction case special counsel Robert Mueller has built against Trump.
  • McCabe seems to be mentioned in THE SEXTS between Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, the FBI agents who sometimes said mean things about Trump (and also about everybody else) while they were boning.
  • The FBI is really tired of being the center of attention for the biggest idiots in America.
  • Chris Wray, who had actually resisted White House demands to fire McCabe, going so far as to threaten to resign over it, has nonetheless been putting together his own team (including new FBI general counsel Dana Boente YES THAT DANA BOENTE), and maybe the timing of this was just right, with Devin Nunes refusing to stand down and President Oopsie Shits at 1600 Penn refusing shut his flapping yap, so McCabe was like “six weeks of vacation with pay and then my pension? BRB going to Tahiti and never looking at y’all ass EVER AGAIN.”
  • According to CNN, FBI people far and wide are pissed off, want to know who the hell is running the FBI, and would like a sexplanation for all this right now.

It would be very good if Chris Wray would ‘splain all this for us.

We are honestly confused and feel like there’s a detail missing in this story that nobody is reporting yet. All we know is SOMETHING’S GOING DOWN in Washington DC right now. Here, have a tweet:

WEIRD.

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