A (Satirical) Defense Of Columbus Day And Trump’s Border Wall

As you may have heard, Donald Trump has “proclaimed” today Columbus Day (he invented it, no one had every heard of Columbus before this year).

No but seriously, Trump’s Columbus Day statement differs markedly from Obama’s in the sense that fails to mention the fact that this country was effectively built on genocide. I know that’s a rather harsh way to put it, but it’s a fact, something Obama acknowledged as follows:

As we mark this rich history, we must also acknowledge the pain and suffering reflected in the stories of Native Americans who had long resided on this land prior to the arrival of European newcomers. The past we share is marked by too many broken promises, as well as violence, deprivation, and disease. It is a history that we must recognize as we seek to build a brighter future — side by side and with cooperation and mutual respect.

Right. See, that’s history. As in: not debatable.

 

Of course Trump can’t say that because that wouldn’t exactly play well with his base, some of whom has demonstrated a rather disconcerting affinity to ideas tied to white supremacist movements. So instead, Trump went with this:

The permanent arrival of Europeans to the Americas was a transformative event that undeniably and fundamentally changed the course of human history and set the stage for the development of our great Nation. Therefore, on Columbus Day, we honor the skilled navigator and man of faith, whose courageous feat brought together continents and has inspired countless others to pursue their dreams and convictions — even in the face of extreme doubt and tremendous adversity.

Again, he leaves out a few “small” details.

And so, in a tribute not only to Columbus, but also to Trump and his wall, we’re going to take this opportunity to reprint our satirical post from earlier this year called “Why We Fully Support Trump’s Border Wall.” Enjoy…

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately regarding my perceived aversion to Donald Trump’s agenda and while I initially brushed off the criticism, I had an epiphany last night.

Yes indeed, I had a “come to Jesus” moment and as of Wednesday afternoon I fully support this “big, beautiful” wall. Let me tell you why.

When you really sit down and think about it, “Americans” should have built a wall a long time ago. But not necessarily on the southern border.

America should have started by building a wall along the Eastern seaboard.

As you may or may not know, illegal immigrants have been flooding into this great country of ours for a very long time. This was a problem way before Trump.

Once I found that out, I did some research and it turns out the new President’s characterization of Mexican immigrants applies equally to the illegals of yesteryear. America let them in and guess what they did?  They raped and they spread disease. The bastards even spread disease on purpose!

But that’s not all.

Do you know what else they did? They pretended to be our friends and then, when we weren’t looking, they stole our land and built illegal settlements on it! Of course we’re a forgiving people, so we tried to look past that rather egregious incursion.

And our benevolence didn’t stop there.

One time, the illegals damn near starved/froze to death because they underestimated the severity of our winters and wouldn’t you know it, they were too damn stupid to store up enough food to last until spring. So do you know what we did? We gave them some of our food and we saved their f*cking lives, that’s what we did.

Now you’d think that after that, they’d show some respect for us. But they didn’t. Instead they took more land, built more settlements, and when we tried to stop them, they shot us.

We tried shooting back, but that didn’t work out very well because we were firing arrows and they had gunpowder.

These type of injustices continued for decades and eventually we packed up all our sh*t and moved far enough west to get away from these heathens. Or so we thought.

The next thing you know, they’re moving west too (some sh*t about “manifest destiny” and gold).

By the time it was all over, we were relegated to what they called “reservations” where we were forced to eke out a living selling trinkets in order to afford a pint of cheap liquor.

Oh, and I forgot to mention they named a holiday after that time we saved their lives – the smart-asses.

So please (PLEASE), Mr. Trump: build that wall before all of this happens again.

 

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