‘Death Wish’ Coffee Recalled After Company Admits It Might Kill You

Admittedly, I was not around in the “small coffee shop in Saratoga Springs, NY” where the company name/logo was apparently conceived, nor was I consulted during the process, but I am reasonably sure that when founder Mike Brown set out to create “the strongest coffee in the world” and call it “Death Wish,” he did not in fact mean that his product might kill you.

Then again, at roughly 6 times the strength of what McDonald’s will serve you, it is at least conceivable that you might kill someone else after consuming it.

DeathWish

According to the company’s official website, Mike “went on a quest” starting in July of 2010, to find the world’s strongest coffee.

 

Why was this necessary? Well because “aside from actually brewing coffee stronger by increasing the coffee to water ratio, the coffee industry had not found the perfect bean for those that wanted something with more force than the average cup.”

For “more than a year,” Mike “tested, tasted, and experimented,” until one day, presumably after caffeinating himself to the point where he resembled a Chimpanzee that got loose in a Colombian coke factory, “Death Wish was created” from a proprietary roast of Indian and Peruvian beans.

Beans

What can you do when you’re all coked out charged up on “Death Wish”? Well, a lot of things probably, but according to the following commercial, you can literally drink a ship full of crazed Vikings:

 

According to Brown, the company is set to do $15 million in sales by the end of this year, which means that although “Death Wish” is doing well, it’s still a ways behind its illegal competition which, when it’s distributed by a “skilled” management team, can generate upwards of $420 million every week.

Ok, well anyway, it turns out that “Death Wish” can actually kill you, because according to a company press release, “the ‘World’s Strongest Coffee’, has initiated a recall of its 11-oz Death Wish Nitro Cold Brew cans [after] determining that the current process could lead to the growth and production of the deadly toxin, botulin.”

On one hand, this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing false about the company’s advertising. Still, Mike says he’s “pretty disappointed”:

Testing

Yes, how “disappointing.” The idea was to murder you with caffeine, not botulism.

In response to questions from the Washington Post, Brown had the following to offer:

I know our logo and our name might not seem like it … but they stand for fueling your passion.

Got it. He continued as follows:

I’m not in the business of putting anyone at risk here.

Nothing further.

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