Monday Morning Satire: Notes For The Presidential Babysitter

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Via Alexandra Petri for WaPo

Hi! Thank you so much for doing this. I should be back around 10. Please call me or Mad Dog if you have any questions at all.

I have been working hard to establish a routine. We have some simple (white) house rules that we are trying to implement to keep the president from getting cranky, starting a global conflict and/or committing an impeachable offense.

Every night the president gets two (2) scoops of ice cream in his bowl, as well as a steak cooked all the way through. Otherwise, he gets fussy and will start tweeting and need to be soothed by a phone call from Vladimir, something we are seeking to avoid.

Put his red hat on before he goes outside.

No TV after 9 p.m.

No “Fox & Friends” at all.

Keep his door shut at all times. People should not just be wandering in. He gets too distracted, and it can upset his whole day.

Let him play with his helicopters and Army men. We are in favor of pretty much anything he would like to do with them.

Stay on the phone during any calls, and move to cut the president off if he starts citing bad facts or making threats.

Look serious and somber at all times and wear any sort of military insignia you have. He loves it.

Whenever he meets someone new these days, he wants to tell them about his electoral college victory. He is so proud of it and at one point had colored in maps to show people. This is fine, but we are trying to wean him off it.

Try to have reading time, where you sit down and share a book with him. If possible, get Jared to stay for this.

Chocolate cake and firing missiles are a reward that should be used sparingly. Do not, as my predecessor did, just let him have them because you have gotten sick of trying to control him and want a moment’s peace.

Check carefully the ingredients of all information that you feed him. Do not let Steve slip him any charts! (He will try!)

Time with Ivanka is relatively harmless and should be used as a reward for good behavior.

Do not ask him to exercise. He hates exercise. He thinks it makes him weak, because he has not learned about how the human body works yet. Encourage him to golf instead.

If he wants to dictate any statements, stop him nicely but firmly.

Do not let boys come over, especially if they say they have information on Hillary. Remind him, “You don’t need any information on Hillary. You are president now, and you’re doing a great job!”

If someone offers him an emolument, take it away quickly and throw it into the bin, and I will deal with it when I come back.

He does not own a bathrobe but make certain to lay out his comfy pajamas.

He will ask you to check the curtains to make sure James Comey is not hiding in them.

Read him a bedtime news story that covers him in a positive way, but not Breitbart if you can possibly help it.

Before bed, ask him to tell you one fact he learned today. He is starting to learn facts, and we want to encourage him. (Praise him for effort, though, not for having a great brain.)

Make sure he brushes his teeth. Tell him I will see him in the morning and that I am proud of him for being a very, very good president.

Feel free to help yourself to the whiskey in my drawer. You have earned it.

Best,

Gen. John F. Kelly

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