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Via The New Yorker’s Broti Gupta and Karen Chee
Hello, little girls! It’s me, President Donald Trump, an Adult Scout, recently graduated from Locker-Room Scout. Someone is probably reading this aloud to you because I am too busy to meet with girls, since I have to deal with domestic stuff and foreign people. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have advice for you!
1. I’m not going to talk about politics, but when I do talk about politics, shut up and listen. That is rule No. 1. You must always shut up and listen when I talk about politics. Also, anytime I am talking, just shut up and listen. On second thought, you don’t really have to actively listen. I’m not listening most of the time.
2. If girls want to fight wars, please start with the war on Christmas. You will celebrate Christmas instead of any other holiday. That’s right: Valentine’s Day? No, Christmas. Thanksgiving? Christmas. Halloween? Christmas. Fourth of July? You’re goddam right, as that is actual Christmas and the day my really great friend Jesus wrote the Declaration of Independence. Terrific guy.
3. Hillary is terrible. I rewatch clips of the election announcement every morning before breakfast, and also after breakfast, and throughout the day. Hillary sucks. Have you seen her e-mails? She is no real Girl Scout, she is just the Girl Scout “crook”-ie.
4. I am an honorary Girl Scout. I want a ceremony for this, to which no grown-up girl under a Manhattan eight can come.
5. Remember, as you become Woman Scouts, aim to be as thin as your mints.
6. The best Girl Scout in the world is Ivanka. To earn your arts-and-crafts badge, you must make a gold statue of her beautiful form, complete with accurate details of her body, and then send it directly to me. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C., 20500. Great property, but a downgrade from Trump Tower. Sad.
7. Jared Kushner is a wonderful Boy Scout, and my only son. Find a Boy Scout like him, who will defend your fathers no matter what, for some reason.
8. Square knots, never bowlines.
9. I want to give a shout-out to some people who could have been great Girl Scouts but were not allowed to because they were boys. Which is not fair! This includes Mike Pence, who is famously afraid of girls; Rex Tillerson, whose name sounds like he was the C.E.O. of Exxon; Rick Perry, who famously knows a lot of relevant information about his job; and the list goes on.
10. Follow me on Twitter and RT all my tweets. Faves mean nothing compared to RTs. Never forget that.
There is a distinct possibility that Donald Trump will kill satire during his administration.
~SM