Now, look: Donald Trump’s border wall was an absurd proposition from the start.
We all know that.
But the thing you have to understand about Trump’s wall is that, much like his other outlandish campaign promises, he probably didn’t think he was ever going to have to try and make it a reality.
It’s like when you’re sitting at home drunk and you say something off the cuff to your significant other like: “You know what I’m going to do, baby? I’m going to build a Starbucks in the garage.”
Your companion knows you’re not ever going to have the capacity to do that, and even if you somehow stumbled into a situation where you had the means to install a Starbucks franchise where the family SUV used to go, you probably wouldn’t do it.
Well, Donald Trump is you and the garage-Bucks is a border wall with Mexico and your significant other is “dumb ass voters.” And by virtue of being dumb, they actually expect you to build that Starbucks now that, as President, there’s an outside chance you can do it.
And so Trump has kinda been backed into making this thing a reality, which is terrible for the country (and humanity in general), but great for folks like us who thrive off lampooning the patently absurd.
When last we checked in on Trump and his wall, he was busy explaining how he had decided to build it out of solar panels. His rationale was simple, but not in that kind of way where simple means “elegant.” Here’s the President to explain:
We’re talking about the southern border, lots of sun, lots of heat.
There you go.
That came just a few months after some contract notices showed up on a government website run by Customs and Border Protection (an agency of the Homeland Security Department).
The notices outlined what the Trump administration is looking for when it comes to the proposed wall. Here’s what the notices said:
One of the CBP contract requests calls for a solid concrete wall, while the other asks for proposals for a see-through structure. Both require the wall to sunk at least six feet into the ground and include 25- and 50-foot automated gates for pedestrians and vehicles. The proposed wall must also be built in a such a way that it would take at least an hour to cut through it with a “sledgehammer, car jack, pick axe, chisel, battery operated impact tools, battery operated cutting tools, Oxy/acetylene torch or other similar hand-held tools.”
The government will award a contract based on 30-foot-wide sample walls that are to be built in San Diego.
Hopefully, you don’t need to be told why that is fall-in-the-floor funny, but just in case, you can read our post on it here.
Well just in case you thought this couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous (and, by extension, any more funny), do consider what Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One on his way to France on Wednesday:
Question: You were joking about solar, right?
Trump: No, not joking, no. There is a chance that we can do a solar wall. We have major companies looking at that. Look, there’s no better place for solar than the Mexico border — the southern border. And there is a very good chance we can do a solar wall, which would actually look good. But there is a very good chance we could do a solar wall.
One of the things with the wall is you need transparency. You have to be able to see through it. In other words, if you can’t see through that wall — so it could be a steel wall with openings, but you have to have openings because you have to see what’s on the other side of the wall.
And I’ll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the large sacks of drugs over, and if you have people on the other side of the wall, you don’t see them — they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff? It’s over.
As cray as that sounds, you need transparency through that wall. But we have some incredible designs.
Now for one thing, that is from the official transcript.
Which means either Donald Trump actually used the pop culture term “cray” or they mistyped it – either way, it’s hilarious.
But just read that again. The President of the United States said he’s going to build a see-through border wall and the reason you “have to see what’s on the other side” is because Mexicans could be “throw[ing] large sacks of drugs over” it and if you can’t see them, “they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff.”
And if that happens, “it’s over.”
Yes, it most certainly is.