Donald Trump just held a press conference in Washington with Romanian President Klaus Iohannis.
We weren’t going to cover it.
HR isn’t a news wire, so we try to pick our spots in an effort not to waste your time or ours. Yes, there were some notables from the presser, including the President doubling down on the Qatar criticism just hours after Rex Tillerson called for an easing of the blockade, but by and large it looked like it was going to be a non-event.
And then in the Q&A, Trump started talking about Comey. As you can imagine, it was all kinds of funny.
Here are the bullet point highlights:
- TRUMP: NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, COMEY’S A LEAKER
- TRUMP SAYS COMEY TESTIMONY SHOWED NO COLLUSION OR OBSTRUCTION
- TRUMP SAYS HE MAY SPEAK LATER ON IF CONVERSATION TAPES EXIST
- TRUMP: I DIDN’T TELL COMEY TO LET FLYNN PROBE GO
- TRUMP SAYS HE’D BE WILLING TO SPEAK UNDER OATH ON COMEY
- TRUMP: I’D BE GLAD TO SPEAK TO MUELLER ABOUT COMEY CONVERSATION
Now first of all, those bullets are hilarious and if you watched the actual presser, they’re funnier still.
But let’s just run through them one-by-one with what we imagine was going on under that blonde beaver pelt he wears on his head:
- NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, COMEY’S A LEAKER [no one can prove I did anything wrong, even though I obviously did, Comey’s a son-of-a-bitch, I hate him]
- COMEY TESTIMONY SHOWED NO COLLUSION OR OBSTRUCTION [That testimony sucked, it made me look horrible, even I can tell it was obstruction and I don’t even really know what the word ‘obstruction’ means]
- TRUMP SAYS HE MAY SPEAK LATER ON IF CONVERSATION TAPES EXIST [Fuck me runnin’, he called my bluff on the ‘tapes’ tweet, what am I going to do now?, let me stall]
- TRUMP: I DIDN’T TELL COMEY TO LET FLYNN PROBE GO [Yes, I did]
- TRUMP SAYS HE’D BE WILLING TO SPEAK UNDER OATH ON COMEY [I lie every time I open my mouth, so this isn’t really a problem]
- I’D BE GLAD TO SPEAK TO MUELLER ABOUT COMEY CONVERSATION [I would hate to speak to that guy, but if I have to I will and I’ll just lie to him too, then I’ll try and see if there’s a way I can get rid of him]
And in case you’re skeptical that this was as funny as we’re telling you it was, here’s a small taste of what you missed:
Did you catch that? This is what he said:
I didn’t say that.
I will tell you that I didn’t say that.
And there’d be nothing wrong if I did say it according to everybody that I’ve read today.
But I did not say that.
No further comment.