I just want to make sure, on Friday afternoon, that I understand a couple of things correctly.
To be sure, I’m not being sarcastic (I wouldn’t do that).
And I’m definitely not deriding organized religion (I wouldn’t do that either).
And finally, I’m definitely not saying that it’s ok for Kathy Griffin to pretend to decapitate Donald Trump (it’s definitely not ok and I would never suggest that it is).
See, generally speaking I:
- think conservatives are a logical bunch who, as a group, relies almost exclusively on empirical evidence and hard scientific data to back up their beliefs and assertions.
- think Donald Trump is actually a very capable person who not only understands the important issues, but is definitely in a position to lecture people like Kathy Griffin on what is and isn’t socially acceptable.
Given that I believe those two things, it follows that I:
- think it’s a good idea to combine Donald Trump with conservative values to create a kind of Frankenstein ideology that stitches together the “best” parts of the GOP with the best parts of Trump.
But even though I am confident in my beliefs as outlined above, I like to make sure my ducks are all in a row at the end of every work week – you know, just to make sure everything’s consistent and I can look at myself in the mirror without being ashamed.
So here’s how I, as a good conservative and a Trump supporter, am thinking about things on Friday evening.
First of all, gay people shouldn’t get married. And women shouldn’t have abortions. The reason I can say that with absolute confidence is because I have a magic book (the Bible) through which I am able to know the will of the Almighty (who incidentally looks a lot like Zeus and basically is Zeus, only Zeus was a figment of the ancients’ collective imagination whereas my Zeus is definitely real).
Although I haven’t actually read my magic book, I pretend like I have (especially on Sundays) and by virtue of
not having read it, I know that it says a lot about gays. And abortion. Those things are bad. It’s in my magic book somewhere. If I ever read it, I’m sure I’ll find the relevant passages.
There’s a wizard in the second part of my magic book. He was born to a virgin. His dad was Zeus. The wizard did some amazing things – one time he walked on water for instance. The wizard was a big believer in kindness and compassion but because there are definitely no inconsistencies in my book, the wizard must have secretly hated gays. And abortions.
And he also would have supported my right to own a fully automatic assault rifle for home protection.
The other thing about my book is that it tells me the world is only 6,000 years old. That’s why I know the whole climate change thing is a Chinese hoax.
Because if scientists are wrong about how the Earth was created (it was created by Zeus who later tried to destroy it with a flood, but fortunately he warned this one guy named Noah who built a giant ship which he used to save all the world’s wildlife), then they are wrong about global warming by default.
Moving on, I know a lot about values (much of which I learned from my magic book) and one thing I can say for sure is that there’s no way the wizard in the second part of my book (the one who was born to a virgin) would approve of Kathy Griffin doing a photoshoot where she pretends to decapitate Donald Trump.
In fact, I’m pretty sure the water-walking wizard and his dad now hate Kathy Griffin although I can’t know for sure because every time I try to talk to them, they never talk back.
True, Donald Trump once told me that he could “walk out into the middle of the street and shoot someone” and I’d still vote for him, which kinda seems like it might have been the verbal equivalent of a mock beheading. But then again, my friends who I worship with on Sundays tell me the wizard (from my magic book) says I should be able to own an assault rifle, so why shouldn’t Donald Trump shoot people in the middle of the street?
Also, it would be easy to say that Noah (that’s the guy who saved the world from the crazy flood after Zeus tipped him off) wouldn’t like it if he saw a picture of Donald Trump’s son standing over a dead elephant holding up its bloody stump tail – Noah being the guy who saved the elephants and all.
That said, a lot of animals were killed in the first part of my magic book (that’s the part before the wizard shows up), so it’s fine.
The other thing I’ve been wondering about is whether it makes sense to say that a fake beheading by a comedian is worse than a real sexual assault by a reality TV show host. Along those same lines, it’s not 100% clear to me why “it was a joke” doesn’t work for Kathy Griffin, but “it was just locker room talk” does work for Donald Trump.
But then I remembered what Trump told the graduating class at Liberty University last month: “[I was elected] with major help from God.”
Come to think of it, he also said that in America “we don’t worship government, we worship God.”
Which means I’m right.
And I’m also “Right.”
So I’m “right Right.”
That’s two “rights.”
And there are two days in the weekend.
So I’ve got one “right” for each day.