Hand him that Nobel he’s always wanted.
Late Monday in the US (early Tuesday in the Middle East), Donald Trump said that with the help of his 747 friends in Doha, he succeeded in brokering a ceasefire between Israel and Iran.
“It has been fully agreed by and between Israel and Iran that there will be a Complete and Total CEASEFIRE for 12 hours, at which point the War will be considered, ENDED!” Trump declared. There was a caveat: The deal would only go into effect after six hours, giving the IDF time to deliver a punishing series of parting shots.
Trump mustered something that sounded like a Biblical cadence for the occasion. “Iran will start the CEASEFIRE and, upon the 12th Hour, Israel will start the CEASEFIRE,” he said. “Upon the 24th Hour, an Official END to THE WAR will be saluted by the World.”
Let me apologize preemptively for the colloquial cadence and language, but this is some wild, head-spinning sh-t. Just a week ago, Trump threatened, publicly, to assassinate the Ayatollah. Just two days ago, Trump bombed Iran’s nuclear sites. Now, pleased that Tehran went out of its way to explain that a “counterattack” against America’s largest Middle East military base in Qatar was nothing more than a stage-managed, face-saving exercise, he’s declaring the whole thing resolved.
According to diplomatic sources who spoke to the American press, Trump told Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani that Israel was prepared to accept a US ceasefire plan. Trump asked the Emir to get Iran on board. Remember what I said about Qatar in May. To wit, from “Royals Bearing Gifts“:
Qatar’s a heavyweight global power broker and a regional go-between with few, if any, peers. Doha can talk to anyone in the region about anything at any time, with almost no exceptions. Need to get a message to Tehran and the Omanis aren’t picking up? Qatar can make the call. Whatever it is you want to get done “over there,” Qatar can help. For a price. And being one of the richest countries on Earth on a per capita basis, that price tends not to be denominated in dollars, but rather in influence, favors and, more to the point, leverage.
This — Trump’s ceasefire — is precisely what I meant. If this deal goes through and it holds, Trump’s going to be heralded as a US president who destroyed Iran’s nuclear program one day, then turned around and brought them along for a ceasefire less than two days later. Maybe Qatar owed him one. If not, he now owes Qatar.
Trump was absolutely thrilled with himself, and by thrilled I mean elated. “On the assumption that everything works as it should, which it will, I would like to congratulate both Countries, Israel and Iran, on having the Stamina, Courage, and Intelligence to end, what should be called, ‘THE 12 DAY WAR,'” he wrote, riffing on regional history, maybe accidentally, maybe not.
He carried on. And on. And on. “This is a War that could have gone on for years, and destroyed the entire Middle East, but it didn’t, and never will!” he shouted. “God bless Israel, God bless Iran, God bless the Middle East, God bless the United States of America, and GOD BLESS THE WORLD!”
Tiny Tim, folks. “God bless us, everyone!”
Trump even had someone at The White House create one of those Hollywood-style posters he likes so much. Because of course he did. Here it is:
Do you love it? If so, you’ll probably be able to buy an autographed version for $800 from his website by tomorrow. The NFT version will be available by Friday.
While Trump celebrated, Israel bombed the bejesus out of Tehran. Locals described some of the most intense strikes yet.
Although Iran’s top diplomat initially refused to confirm the ceasefire, he did say that if Israel stopped bombing by sun-up local time, the regime had “no intention to continue [its] response.” In other words: Iran’s prepared to surrender.
I suppose Pakistan, which nominated Trump for the Peace Prize on Saturday for his efforts to mediate between Islamabad and New Delhi only to turn around on Sunday and condemn Trump for blowing up Iran’s nuclear program, can now reaffirm his peace bona fides.
What a world.
H-Man, he likes to hunt three legged deer, they don’t move fast.
Let Sweden give him his noble piece pries, and then take it away 5 minutes later.
So, the deal is: You agree to get bombed for only 12 more hours without any resistance, and they promise they’ll stop then?!?!
Maybe I need to read up better on diplomacy, but this sounds batsh*t crazy to me. Is this for real?!? Overused cliche, but “my bingo card didn’t have ‘new bi-lateral hegemony’ on it!”
Wasn’t much of dip to buy when this all started, I forget how long ago – feels like less than twelve days? – but better to have bought it than sold it.
Wonder if Netanyahu will find some way to assasinate Khamenei anyway? He has not fully achieved his goals.
Classic bully move.
You want it in the stomach or face and you better not flinch (resist) or you’ll get another.
Very middle school.
Sounds about right. That’s about all the school he got.
There is some precedant for the immoral kicking someone when they’re down “bombed the bejesus” out of an opponent just before the peace is enacted. Russia did that to Finland hours before the deadline. Maybe they will do that to Ukraine as well when peace is finally achieved.
“Peace through strength.” The first individual known reputed to have said this was the Roman Emperor Hadrian (the one who constructed a wall between what are now Scotland and England, presumably to keep the noisy Scots at bay. Later, several other aspiring leader wannabees also repeated this motto, including the GOP’s erstwhile stab at royalty, King Ronald the Actor.