Help Wanted: Any Public Defenders Want To Represent A Sitting President?

"So weird that nobody wants to work for a guy who tweets out that lawyers are just fame whores, right?"

By Five Dollar Feminist as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission 


Donald Trump has the best lawyers! Like, so many lawyers want to represent him, you do not even know. Right now he has this awesome new lawyer who went to the best school and looks just like Ivanka! Unfortunately, she lives in Canada and is shy, so you won’t be able to meet her. But don’t worry, ’cause she totally exists and soon she’ll prove that this whole Russia thing is a WITCH HUNT!

LOLOLOL! President Credibility Gap is tweeting again after yet another high-profile attorney announced he’d be washing his hair for the duration of the special counsel’s investigation. So weird that nobody wants to work for a guy who tweets out that lawyers are just fame whores, right?

On Monday, Trump announced that he’d hired noted Fox News crank Joe diGenova to take on Robert Mueller. At which point his prior lawyer John Dowd noped out — he did not spend decades practicing in DC to play second fiddle to the My Pillow Guy. But by Sunday, diGenova and his wife Victoria Toensing were packing up their bag of conspiracy theories and heading home, having lately discovered they had “conflicts.”

We may never know the real story here. The Times reported that Trump felt no “chemistry” with his new lawyers, and Politico says that the pair was “disheveled” when they visited the White House.

Was Trump put off by diGenova’s pornstache and bolo tie? Did the husband and wife team fail to exhibit the appropriate mix of servility and rabid conspiracy-mongering that Trump looks for in an employee?

Or did the Fox freaks reject the President for being a nightmare client? Did they sit him down and tell him that, despite all that shit they talk on TV, he’s in deep doodoo and needs to stop tweeting ASAP?

Or here’s yet another theory from former Solicitor General Neal Katyal. WHAT IF Robert Mueller’s team stepped in and pointed out that diGenova and Toensing had some unwaivable conflict.

Did Robert Mueller and his bazillion scary lawyers call up the White House and ‘splain to Ty Cobb that Toensing already reps former Trump campaign officials Mark Corallo and Sam Clovis, and the only way those little fish are going to stay out of jail is to flip on Trump? WHOA IF TRUE!

For whatever reason, diGenova and Toensing are out — they didn’t even last a full Mooch! So Donald Trump’s legal team for the Russia investigation is down to actual grown adult Ty Cobb in the White House and Jay Sekulow, a First Amendment lawyer with scant criminal experience, acting as Trump’s private counsel. But we’re sure that this dynamic duo is prepared to take on a dozen of the scariest prosecutors in the land. All they have to do is shout NO COLLUSION! and the whole thing will eventually go away.

Yep, you bet!

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3 comments on “Help Wanted: Any Public Defenders Want To Represent A Sitting President?

  1. It’s brilliant that ‘Mooch’ as a unit of time is catching on. I just did a quick duckduckgo (natch) search and it’s even in the Urban Dictionary. A Mooch is 10 days btw.

    • That’s absolutely amazing. Let’s hope that Bolton only lasts for one or two Mooches… if everyone keeps focusing on the stache, Trump won’t be able to handle all the attention that the stache is getting and he’ll likely can him.

  2. Heard Clarence Darrow is in town.

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