Wilbur Ross To CNBC: I’m Going To ‘Turn The Moon Into A Gas Station’

If you’re one of the everybody who is anxious to see the Trump administration summarily relegated to the annals of political history where it’ll be filed away under a chapter called “historical mistake”, you might want to consider the fact that while the administration’s ouster would mean reclaiming the republic and our democratic institutions (a positive outcome), it would also mean losing some of the best comedy masquerading as policy that America has ever seen (a yuuuge loss).

For instance, just this morning a furious Trump took to Twitter to “clarify” his position on training high school teachers as Marines on the way to arming them in anticipation of what everyone has basically conceded will be inevitable gun battles with disgruntled students. Here’s what he said:

If a potential “sicko shooter” knows that a school has a large number of very weapons talented teachers (and others) who will be instantly shooting, the sicko will NEVER attack that school. Cowards won’t go there…problem solved.

Yes, “problem solved.” What’s clearly needed here are trigger-happy lunch ladies who are “talented” with guns and also a bunch of unidentified “others” who are also armed, all of whom are just itchin’ to start shooting at shit “instantly”.

Again: “problem solved.”

Another “problem” this administration knows exactly how to solve is interstellar travel. This has been vexing physicists for quite some time and although Elon Musk is doing his best to push things forward, the real man for this job is Commerce Secretary and the Crypt Keeper’s stunt double, Wilbur Ross who someone injected with life juice on Thursday so he could be some semblance of animate for his interview with Joe Kernen.

In what is surely the most absurd interview ever conducted on CNBC, Kernen actually asks Ross what the “actual time frame” is on America landing on asteroids and drilling for mineral riches.

“Is it 5 years, 10 years, 50 years? Do you know,” Joe asks a barely-awake Wilbur.

Spoiler alert Joe: Wilbur doesn’t know and neither does anyone else because what you’re asking about is fucking space mining.

But as ridiculous as that already was, it got immeasurably better when Ross answered the question as follows:

I think a lot depends upon how successful we are in turning the moon into a kind of gas station for outer space. The plan is to break down the ice [there] into hydrogen and oxygen, use those as the fuel propellant.

Oh. Well there you go. The only thing that stands between America harvesting space riches from asteroids is Wilbur Ross turning the moon into a gas station.

Why didn’t you say so?!

Here is the actual video:


As far as Elon Musk goes, Ross also marveled at “that little red Tesla hurdling off to an orbit around the sun and the moon.”

Incidentally, that’s where Wilbur’s brain is – “hurdling off to an orbit around the moon”.

Where it will stay until he builds a gas station there at which point it will be free to travel on to Mars and then to its final destination in debilitating dementia.


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