It’s Saturday morning and although there are as yet no presidential tweets about how the White House is all “locked and loaded” and ready to fire off some fuckin’ nukes, there’s no shortage of Trump news.
As you probably heard last night, Trump thinks maybe we might have to invade Venezuela, a country he imagines is America’s “neighbor”:
Ok, so obviously, that is all kinds of ridiculous for all kinds of reasons, but Trump is super proud of it.
So proud of it, in fact, that he memorialized the moment he called for a Venezuelan takeover by making it his Twitter banner pic:
Also, I think it’s important that you note the look on Nikki Haley’s face the moment Trump officially adds “possible takeover of Venezuela” to his to-do list. Have a look:
You could caption that as follows: “oh my God, we’re all gonna die, we’re all really gonna die.”
Well that was hardly the end of it. Apparently, Trump is going to start a trade war with China unless they let him blow up Pyongyang. This is from a Politico piece that hit overnight:
President Donald Trump is ready to launch a new trade crackdown on China next week, an administration official confirmed.
Trump on Monday will call for an investigation into China over allegations that the nation violated U.S. intellectual property rights and forced technology transfers, the official said. While it’s unclear how much detail Trump will get into in the announcement, administration officials expect U.S. Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer to open an investigation against China under Section 301 of the Trade Act of 1974.
The pending announcement comes amid heightened tension between the United States and China, even after the Trump administration scored a victory in persuading Beijing to sign onto new United Nations sanctions on North Korea.
It is not clear whether China has the motivation to close off the spigot entirely with North Korea. China is North Korea’s main trading partner, and it is not interested in seeing the economic collapse of the regime, which could send a flood of refugees into China and destabilize its northern provinces.
The ordering of the investigation will not immediately impose sanctions but could lead to steep tariffs on Chinese goods. Trump has expressed frustration in recent months over what he sees as China’s unfair trade policies.
The closely watched announcement appears to have bipartisan support, although Democrats have accused Trump of not being tough enough on trade.
Trump suggested in comments to reporters on Thursday that he might be more lenient on China if officials take more aggressive action to stop North Korea from developing a nuclear weapon that could strike the United States. But it appears his longstanding frustration with China has remained.
So basically, Trump is going to hold world trade hostage until Beijing agrees to let him blow up North Korea.
And there was more – so much more. Here are the bullet point headlines from Bloomberg about Trump that have hit in the last 12 hours alone:
- TRUMP THREAT MOST SERIOUS EVER AGAINST VENEZUELA: INFO MINISTER
- GUAM GOVERNOR SAYS HE WAS ON PHONE WITH TRUMP, KELLY
- TRUMP, KELLY ASSURED CALVO THAT GUAM PEOPLE ARE SAFE: CALVO
- TRUMP TELLS CALVO THAT “1000 PERCENT” BEHIND GUAM: CALVO
- VENEZUELA FOREIGN MINISTRY TO MEET, GIVE STATEMENT ON TRUMP TMW
- TRUMP’S LAWYERS SAY HE’S LEGALLY FREE TO BLOCK TWITTER USERS
- TWITTER USERS SEEK TO STOP TRUMP FROM BLOCKING TWEET REPLIES
For one thing, it makes no sense for Trump to tell Guam that he is “1,000% behind them.” Guam is part of the United States. That’s like Trump going to Salt Lake City and saying “the United States is 1,000% behind Utah.”
I’m sure that’s not lost on Eddie Calvo. Also not lost on Calvo is that it is (mostly) Trump’s fault that Guam is about to become a mushroom cloud in the first place. You’ll recall that the direct threat to Guam came hours after Trump’s “fire and furry” moment.
So there’s that. But then you have to appreciate how absolutely ridiculous it is that sprinkled in amongst the invasions and nuclear wars is a lawsuit centered around whether Trump should be legally allowed to block Twitter users he doesn’t like.
He’s at war with North Korea, Venezuela, and Twitter critics.
Of course he doesn’t mind responding to people who praise him on Twitter – even if those “people” turn out to be robots named “Nicole” with fake profile pictures cropped from T-shirt models.
Apparently he did talk to Xi. Here’s the readout:
Of course if the Politico story excerpted above turns out to be true, well then that call is meaningless.
Ultimately, it’s important that you take stock of what Trump has managed to do militarily in the first 8 months of his presidency. Here’s a handy reminder:
This is a goddamn horror story.
And with that, we’ll give the last word to a man who knows a thing or two about horror stories…