Via The New Yorker’s River Clegg
Being a soldier is tremendous. I’m one of America’s greatest soldiers, if you want to know the truth. I’m a soldier in the Army. Or maybe it’s the Navy. Whichever one McCain wasn’t in. Did you know he got captured? A real lightweight.
I’m glad I’m not serving with any trans people, otherwise I would forget how to do soldier stuff. Like fighting! Fighting is the main thing I do as a soldier, O.K.? I carry a machine gun for fighting, and it’s the best machine gun. But I would forget how to shoot it if I were near a trans person.
But I’m very pro-trans, believe me. Maybe the most pro-trans person in history. Not only that, I’m pro all the other letters in “L.G.B.T.Q.” I’m pro-lesbian, I’m pro-gluten, I’m probiotic. I’m pro everything except trans people being treated like regular, non-trans people. That’s where I draw the line.
America lost eight wars during the time that trans people were allowed to serve. Many people are saying this.
It’s a good thing my bone spurs cleared up. Bone spurs are very painful, honestly, and bone spurs are a disgrace. They send a sharp pain through one of your feet—I can’t remember which one—and they always strike right when you’d otherwise be eligible for military service. Sad!
Anyway, if I still had bone spurs, then I wouldn’t be able to be a soldier, and then America would lose the war I’m currently winning for them. The war is in Syria, and it’s against Hezbollah, and it’s also in North Korea, against Kim John-un, and I’m doing a very good job in it.
I wrote a book called “The Art of the Deal.” That’s not about being a soldier, but in some ways it is.
The worst part of being a soldier is that it’s hard to tweet. You have to hide your phone from the generals. Generals are the bosses of the soldiers, and you can tell who they are because they wear funny pins. The pins symbolize how many guns they’ve shot. You can only become a general after you shoot enough guns. I know this because I went to military school, O.K.?
I went to military school, and I was such a good student that they offered to make me a general even though I hadn’t fired enough guns yet. But I turned them down because they sounded desperate. Desperate like you wouldn’t believe. Pathetic.
The movie “Saving Private Ryan” is about me.
I’m in very good shape because of all the pushups you do in the military. I can do five hundred pushups. Many people have seen me do five hundred pushups, and they were all very impressed. I am also very good at golf. They don’t normally let you play golf as a soldier, but they made an exception for me because I’m incredible at golf.
My wife is better-looking than the wives of all the other soldiers. Sometimes I feel bad for them, if you want to know the truth. And you won’t believe this: some of the other soldiers are women. I don’t know how that works.
Women confuse and upset me.
Last week I was in a helicopter for the Army, and the pilot told me he thought I’d be a better helicopter pilot than he was. Can you believe it? I’ve never flown a helicopter, but he was probably right.
Please tell me I’m good.