Friday Satire: Trump Sends Letter To Americans

My fellow Americans,

There’s a bill on my desk that I need to sign. Something about sanctions on Russia.

I’m not interested in signing it. A nice lady named Natasha Fatale who is doing a really good job on Friday (even though she died on Thursday) told me it was a bad bill.

Instead, I’m headed for Long Island. That #hellhole is under siege from #MS13 gang members. Those are the same gang members who are throwing 60-pound sacks of heroin over fences on the border with Mexico. That’s why we need a see-through border #wall. But I told you that weeks ago.

Also, the #failing NY Times is still #failing. Someone told me they just reported a 46% increase in digital subscribers and a 23% increase in digital ad revenue, but that’s obviously #fakenews, because after all, the NY Times reported those numbers and the NY Times is #fakenews. Someone also told me their stock is up 71% since the election – #fakecharts.

The liberal media is still out to get me. They’re #sick people. And their sources are #sick too. Just look at what that fucker Ryan Lizza for The New Yorker reported last night. One of his sources said my friend Steve Bannon #sucks-his-own-cock. If that’s not #sick I don’t know what is.

But I have a friend who’s a #Mooch. And Mooch is going to make sure people don’t call up The New Yorker and call my friend Steve a self-cock-sucker.

Also, I have a friend who’s #beleaguered. I learned that word this week. It means bad. One reason my friend Jeff is beleaguered is because the #failing NY Times printed an interview with some guy who said Jeff shouldn’t be #AttorneyGeneral. That’s what I mean about the #fakenews printing stories based on interviews with unreliable sources. Who would have said such bad things about my friend Jeff? I don’t know. #Sick people I guess.

I have a son who is #highquality. He also has a good name – it sounds like my name, only with #Jr at the end. Some very bad #leakers tweeted out e-mails he didn’t send about a meeting he didn’t have with some Russians at a tower that doesn’t have my name on it.

I have a sort-of-son who is an in-law. His name is #Jared. He said that to reporters this week. Congress wants to know if he’s a #colluder. That’s a #witchhunt.

What isn’t a #witchhunt is the thing about the #uranium. People can do some really bad things with #uranium and #crookedHillary (who’s a real witch) tried to give all of ours to Russia. That’s the real #crime. If my friend Jeff weren’t so #weak and #beleaguered he could investigate her.

Also, if #Obamacare fails, a lot of you are going to die. So I’m going to #letitfail. If enough of you die, the #Obstructionists will come to the table.

One more thing. #BoyScouts apologized for my jamboree speech. #Sad.

Ok, I’m off to Long Island now.

#MAGA,

Ur Prezident

 

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One thought on “Friday Satire: Trump Sends Letter To Americans

  1. We all know by Trump actions that he isn’t literate enough or sufficiently intellectually capable of composing any communication beyond 140 character Tweets, and or signing his name to EOs drafted for him. Consequently a letter like this just isn’t plausible. Clearly, it would have been written by one of his more qualified senior staff appointees. Where like Trump family tree genetics (DJ, Jr.) – appointee “apples” also don’t fall far from the senile and withered Trump tree.

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