My fellow Americans,
There’s a bill on my desk that I need to sign. Something about sanctions on Russia.
I’m not interested in signing it. A nice lady named Natasha Fatale who is doing a really good job on Friday (even though she died on Thursday) told me it was a bad bill.
Instead, I’m headed for Long Island. That #hellhole is under siege from
#MS13 gang members. Those are the same gang members who are throwing 60-pound sacks of heroin over fences on the border with Mexico. That’s why we need a see-through border #wall. But I told you that weeks ago.
Also, the #failing NY Times is still #failing. Someone told me they just reported a 46% increase in digital subscribers and a 23% increase in digital ad revenue, but that’s obviously #fakenews, because after all, the NY Times reported those numbers and the NY Times is #fakenews. Someone also told me their stock is up 71% since the election – #fakecharts.
The liberal media is still out to get me. They’re #sick people. And their sources are #sick too. Just look at what that fucker Ryan Lizza for The New Yorker reported last night. One of his sources said my friend Steve Bannon #sucks-his-own-cock. If that’s not #sick I don’t know what is.
But I have a friend who’s a #Mooch. And Mooch is going to make sure people don’t call up The New Yorker and call my friend Steve a self-cock-sucker.
Also, I have a friend who’s #beleaguered. I learned that word this week. It means bad. One reason my friend Jeff is beleaguered is because the #failing NY Times printed an interview with some guy who said Jeff shouldn’t be #AttorneyGeneral. That’s what I mean about the #fakenews printing stories based on interviews with unreliable sources. Who would have said such bad things about my friend Jeff? I don’t know. #Sick people I guess.
I have a son who is #highquality. He also has a good name – it sounds like my name, only with #Jr at the end. Some very bad #leakers tweeted out e-mails he didn’t send about a meeting he didn’t have with some Russians at a tower that doesn’t have my name on it.
I have a sort-of-son who is an in-law. His name is #Jared. He said that to reporters this week. Congress wants to know if he’s a #colluder. That’s a #witchhunt.
What isn’t a #witchhunt is the thing about the #uranium. People can do some really bad things with #uranium and #crookedHillary (who’s a real witch) tried to give all of ours to Russia. That’s the real #crime. If my friend Jeff weren’t so #weak and #beleaguered he could investigate her.
Also, if #Obamacare fails, a lot of you are going to die. So I’m going to #letitfail. If enough of you die, the #Obstructionists will come to the table.
One more thing. #BoyScouts apologized for my jamboree speech. #Sad.
Ok, I’m off to Long Island now.