Petri Satire: ‘I’m Putting My Foot Down – On My Way To Vote Against Icebergs’

Via Alexandra Petri for WaPo

I stand with my colleagues in Congress to say: The president’s tweet is beneath the dignity of the office.

This is not making America great.

The president has at last done the unthinkable: He has insulted a morning television personality in crude and ghastly terms and I must — in consequence of this hideous and vile breach of the dignity of the office — withdraw none of my support from his legislative agenda. (If you can call it a legislative agenda and not a ragtag collection of bad ideas quickly stapled together with a dead pigeon in the middle.)

His remark about Mika Brzezinski is absolutely shameful and I do not stand with him, except insofar as it is necessary to stand with him so that we can make sure infants get access to pesticides, as the Founders would have wished.

I am shocked and appalled by his behavior. And I am not afraid to say so. At a fundraiser. For him. Before asking for more donations.

Everything else the president has done is fine — the continued attacks on the media’s legitimacy, the carelessness toward history and diplomacy, the harmful rhetoric about Muslims, the — well, it is all fine. This is too much, though, and I am putting my foot down, here, on my way to vote against icebergs.

I will add my voice to Sen. Orrin Hatch‘s full-throated condemnation and, also, to his remark that “Every once in a while you get a dipsy-doodle.”

I am glad that at long last we legislators are standing up to President Trump by going to Twitter and typing stern words into a little box, words such as “I don’t believe the President’s tweets this morning Make America Great Again” (Rep. Kevin Yoder) and “It is incumbent upon ALL of us to tone down this divisive political rhetoric. #RestoreCivility” (Rep. Adam Kinzinger). Yes, all of us! It is important to spread this around. As well as, “Your tweet was beneath the office and represents what is wrong with American politics, not the greatness of America” (Sen. Lindsey O. Graham).

Some have even gone so far as to stand up in front of reporters and offer the ringing denunciation that, “Obviously, I don’t see that as an appropriate comment,” as House Speaker Paul D. Ryan did. Fiery rhetoric, and appropriately so!

By God, this is not what George Washington would have wanted, and I am thus withdrawing my support for everything but the legislation Trump would like us to pass. His words are a shame, but it is too important that we end health insurance for indigent seniors in Ohio.

“Did the president go too far with this tweet?” Fox News’s John Roberts asked at the White House press briefing. “I don’t think so,” deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders replied. “He’s not going to sit back and be attacked by the liberal media, Hollywood elites. And when they hit him, he’s going to hit back.”

This may be enough for her, but it was not enough for me. By God, I will not just sit here and allow this sort of thing to continue. By god. By God. Hang on, I have to go vote to make certain that no one can vote without answering a fun quiz from 1868.

I join my voice with the voices of my colleagues to say this “isn’t normal,” is “beneath the dignity of the office,” is “inappropriate,” is “unhinged” and “unpresidential.” Also, it is a distraction from the legislation we are now working on to force the elderly to fight each other with tridents in order to obtain prescription medication.

I look forward to many more acts of such courage.

“I entirely denounce the president’s decision to bite off an infant’s foot,” I will say, on my way to vote for his bill banning all trees once and for all.

I will continue to show him that I believe in the dignity of the office by making snide, cutting remarks to my funders as I urge them to support Trump’s renomination.

“It is deplorable that the president called all women in America [unprintable] [unspeakables],” I will boldly observe, on my way to vote for his bill to replace the entire social safety net with a dead raccoon in a brown paper bag. “I do not stand with him.”

Not at all. Except in every way that counts.

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