Saturday Satire: How To Prevent Body-Slamming Incidents

Yeah, so Montana decided they want their sole House seat to be occupied by a guy who physically assaults reporters and believes dinosaurs were heterosexually married in Noah’s ark.

Apologies to anyone who is sane in Montana (we’re sure there a few of you), but this doesn’t reflect particularly well on your collective intelligence.

As we outlined on Friday, misdemeanor assault is probably not a good reason to strip Montana voters of their right to choose their representative (yes, it’s bad to physically assault reporters for asking questions, but given that the only casualty was a pair of glasses, the incident probably isn’t egregious enough to simply tell Montana they’ll have to choose someone else).

That said, giving someone who doesn’t believe in evolution a say in deciding public policy that impacts all Americans is a terrible idea, so if you want a reason to deny Greg Gianforte a seat, his support for institutions that insist the Earth is only 6,000 years old is probably a good place to start.

Well, in his latest post, The New Yorker’s satirist Andy Borowitz imagines that because the GOP’s new health plan not only doesn’t cover injuries sustained after being body slammed, but also doesn’t cover preventative psychological care for the folks who end up doing the body slamming, it might be best to simply “put the people who cause body slam incidents in a place where they can do no harm to others.”

Incidentally, that “place” is not located on Capitol Hill.

Via The New Yorker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The health-care bill passed by House Republicans earlier this month offers no coverage for injuries suffered as a result of body slamming, according to a report issued on Thursday.

The report, released by the nonpartisan Center for Comprehensive Health Coverage, warns of sharp increases in health-care costs for the nation’s body-slamming sufferers.

Costs associated with body slamming, such as X-rays to the elbow and other injured body parts, would have to be paid for out of pocket under the G.O.P. plan, the report says.

In a separate finding, the report indicates that the Republican health-care bill’s vision-care option does not offer replacement eyewear in the case of glasses being smashed or otherwise demolished in an unprovoked body-slamming incident.

Finally, the report finds, the G.O.P. plan offers no preventive treatment for the severely disturbed people who are the root causes of most body-slamming incidents.

“Medical studies have shown that the costs associated with body-slamming injuries could be greatly reduced by putting the people who cause them in a place where they can do no harm to others,” the report says.

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