Ben & Jerry’s Says “No Scoops For You!” In Same-Sex Marriage Push

Ben & Jerry’s Says “No Scoops For You!” In Same-Sex Marriage Push

Conservatives love to shout about how the government has no business interfering in private enterprise. Or private anything for that matter.

Unless of course you’re talking about Twitter and Facebook (private companies) exercising discretion over what kind of content is allowed on their platforms. In which case government should definitely intervene to stop them from banning fake news (think: Seth Rich conspiracy theories).

Or unless of course you’re talking about whether people should be allowed to marry their same-sex partner. In which case government should definitely intervene to stop “abhorrent” behavior by “Godless” deviants.

See if you’re a conservative this is what counts as a logical and consistent argument:

  • government should not stop me from owning an assault rifle, because after all, what good is my 9mm (which no one is even suggesting I shouldn’t own) during all those times when a team of heavily armed commandos stage an overnight raid on my home in a gated community?


  • government should definitely stop my gay neighbor from marrying his/her gay partner because that’s an affront to the almighty guy with a white beard who I imagine created the Earth a short 6,000 years ago, and who is definitely watching human beings’ every move so he can determine who gets into his imaginary cloud paradise when we die.

And people wonder why liberals have finally become fed up and angry.

It’s because conservatives say batshit crazy things like this: “you can’t marry who you want to marry because the Santa-Zeus I worship on Sundays thinks that’s bad and I’ll prove it by referencing this magic book Santa-Zeus wrote via a series of earthly conduits including his “son” who was born to a virgin and who grew up to be an all-powerful, water-walking wizard.”

Well thankfully, there are people out there like Ben and Jerry who have found a unique way to fight for gay marriage. Here’s NBC:

Declaring “love comes in all flavors,” Ben & Jerry’s said Thursday it’s banning its Australian customers from buying two scoops of the same flavor of ice cream until same-sex marriage is legalized across the country.

Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont, is famous for its socially conscious advocacy, from combatting climate change to promoting ethical treatment of animals.

But the Australian same-sex marriage campaign is unusually serious even for Ben & Jerry’s, which asked Australians in a statement to imagine “how furious you would be if you were told you were not allowed to marry the person you love.”

“So we are banning two scoops of the same flavor and encouraging our fans to contact their MPs to tell them that the time has come – make marriage equality legal!” the statement said.

Good for you Ben & Jerry’s.

Because as we’ve learned with Donald Trump, sometimes the only way you can get idiots to act rationally is to take their ice cream away.

Predictably, Sarah Palin is furious:


Yes, Sarah: “seriously.”

Because guess what? Ben & Jerry’s is a private company which, according to conservatives themselves, can have whatever scoop policy they fucking want to have.

And Sarah, if you or your friends want to stop them, maybe you should look up into the clouds and ask Santa-Zeus to intervene.

My guess is you won’t get an answer. Guess why…


4 thoughts on “Ben & Jerry’s Says “No Scoops For You!” In Same-Sex Marriage Push

  1. From ‘The Recessional’ by Rudyard Kipling:

    “For heathen hearts that put their trust
    in reeking tube and iron shard,
    All valiant dust that builds on dust
    and guarding calls not thee to guard
    For foolish boast and frantic word
    Thy mercy on thy people, Lord.”

    1. it’s a liberal conspiracy.

      has nothing to do with same-sex marriage.

      really what’s going on is that a high percentage of people who order two scoops of the same flavor are anti-globalists and so when George Soros found that out, he paid off Ben and Jerry to ban ordering two scoops of the same flavor, that way the anti-globalists can’t get the sugar high they need to fight the liberals who want to put tracking devices in cookies n’ cream cartons so they can monitor Alex Jones while he sleeps.

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