‘9 Times? 9 Times’: White House Pretty Sure Blowback From The Whole ‘They’re Animals’ Thing Is Just Veiled Praise

“It’s hard to imagine that if Hillary Clinton had won, she’d proudly display on WhiteHouse.gov a “Deplorables Update: Straight Outta the Trailer Park” help page, and under Obama, WH.gov never had “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Bitter Gun and Bible Clingers* (And The Stupid Police).”

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Jared Kushner And The Devil Building: The (Not-At-All Shady) Saga Continues

“Jared Kushner is one hell of a lucky guy!”

It’s Not That All Immigrants Are ‘Animals’ It’s Just That MS-13 Gang Members Are ‘Animals’ And All Immigrants Are Obviously MS-13

“Wait, which monsters: MS-13 members or all undocumented border crossers? Pfft, is there a difference?”

Rudy Giuliani – Who Is NOT Senile, OK?! – Thinks James Comey Set Great Example For Robert Mueller

“When Comey closed [the Hillary Clinton case] in July — although I think it was a complete whitewash — I’d like to have them do that for us.”

Now We Know Why Trump Wants To Make ZTE Great Again (Hint: Trump Org Got A $500 Million Bribe From China)

“BECAUSE IT WAS A $500 MILLION SACK OF CHINESE CASH!”

‘Be Cool’ ‘Murika, Trump Needs To Make China ‘Great Again’ For A Minute Then He’ll Get Back To You

“President America First will be … Making China Great Again! Just as he promised the forgotten men and women in Real Murika on the campaign trail.”

In Retrospect, AT&T Realizes Paying Michael Cohen Was A Terrible, Terrible Idea

“Well, this is awkward.”

Rudy Giuliani, Philosopher, Poses Kantian Question ‘What Is Truth?’

“If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if you’re too stupid to do any of those things, send in Rudy Giuliani.” –Carl Sandburg, more or less

How To Confess To Multiple Crimes On National Television: A Lawsplainer For Rudy Giuliani

“There is no strategy. No nine-dimensional chess. No secret plan to own the libs. There’s just a bunch of bumbling old fools, arrogant enough to think they can beat Robert Mueller by WINGIN’ IT!”

It Was A Dark And ‘Stormy’ Night When Rudy Giuliani Went On Sean Hannity And Completely Screwed Donald Trump

“Giuliani promised when he came onto Trump’s “legal” team that the Robert Mueller investigation would be over within a couple of weeks, but we didn’t know he meant it would be over BY DEFAULT, because the entire world had literally died laughing over how Giuliani stepped on his own dick and in the process banged his client’s OTHER most pressing legal matter to death.”

White House Makes ‘Minor’ Clerical Error Of The ‘Had’ Versus ‘Has’ Variety On The ‘Minor’ Issue Of Iran And Nuclear Bombs

John Bolton wouldn’t lie to you, ok?!

Awwww, What’s The Matter Snowflake? Did Michelle Wolf Hurt Your Delicate, Delicate Feelings?

“I will give you a moment to fetch your smelling salts.”

2018: We ALLLL In The Sunken Place, Yo

“What the actual fuck, 2018?”

If You Could Just Pull Yourself Up By Your $22 Million Government-Backed Bootstraps, You Too Could Be Sean Hannity!

“The Hannity Hypocrisy Hour has been on teevee for eleventy years, and we’ve all developed antibodies by now.”

Peter Thiel And Palantir Know Everything About You

“Palantir is like Frankenstein’s Monster, except Frankenstein is a psychotic Trumpian prick with a fucking “blood boy” and who owns a piece of New Zealand the size of Lower Manhattan. Thank goodness Congress is modestly aware of the Internet.”