Well damn. I was countin’ on that $5,000. I was gonna buy a Louis Flaneur backpack. They have one in denim now.

Democrats rolled up the GOP in a barnstorming, nationwide blowout, which Donald Trump immediately washed his hands of. “I wasn’t on the ballot,” he said, throwing his entire party under the bus. “If I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE.”

I, um … I doubt it. In fact, I think part of the problem was that Americans took Trump’s advice when he insisted, loudly and repeatedly, that voters “pretend I’m on the ballot.” As he put it last month, at a rally in North Carolina where Roy Cooper flipped a Senate seat, “they want to do away with all of the tremendous things we’ve done.”

“They” do! They do want to do away with all the tremendous things Trump’s done. Remember: “Tremendous” doesn’t have to mean “good.” It can also just mean large or to a great extent. And Trump’s done a large amount of damage, the extent of which is difficult to contemplate, let alone quantify.

Cooper’s coup in North Carolina wasn’t the only flip. There were six more, including South Carolina, where pediatrician Annie Andrews (whose official campaign website features a picture of the good doctor playing peekaboo with an infant) ran all over Lindsey Graham’s hapless sister Darline, and Texas, where 37-year-old James Talarico beat the state’s controversy-plagued attorney general Ken Paxton by an embarrassing 12ppt.

Let me linger on that latter race for a moment. Trump was told not to back Paxton for John Cornyn’s seat. So, while you could describe the effort to keep that seat red as an “all-hands-on-deck” push, that needs an asterisk to account for the fact that it was a lost cause in the first place. That didn’t stop Elon Musk from spending nearly a quarter of a billion dollars on Paxton. (Don’t worry. Elon will be fine. He’ll recoup that with the next blip higher in SpaceX shares.)

There’s the map. It shows you all the flips, which also include Maine, where Susan Collins finally fell after nearly three decades presiding. Collins is — sorry, was — the longest-tenured female GOP senator, and let’s cut her some slack, right? She tried. She really did. A New York Times analysis published last month showed Collins “breaks with her party more than any other Republican senator,” even if it rarely makes a difference. Anyway, happy trails Susan. You had a good run.

In Kansas, Methodist pastor Adam Hamilton, who very nearly ran as an Independent but thought better of it when advisors warned that might split the Democrat vote, flipped the state blue for the first time in — checks notes — 94 goddamn years! (Sorry for the expletive, pastor.)

Insult to injury for the GOP: Abdul El-Sayed prevailed in Michigan, despite Haley Stevens’s eleventh-hour, sour grapes decision to back Mike Rogers. I don’t know what Stevens plans to do now, but if you’re a Democrat and you’re going to break rank to back a guy you yourself once smeared as “another rubber stamp for Trump’s dangerous agenda,” you better hope that guy wins. You know, so you can say “I told you so.” Now, Stevens is out in the wild. As for El-Sayed, you know the story there. He’s an ethnocentric GOP’s worst nightmare: “Thars an Ayerab commie in the Ceenut!”

The House vote was a veritable landslide. Democrats were on track for the largest national victory margin in modern history for either party. When the dust settles, they’ll likely enjoy the biggest lower-chamber majority since Barack Obama’s history-making 2008 win.

Asked by The New York Times if he’ll accept the results, Trump pretended he hadn’t the faintest why someone might suspect he wouldn’t. “Absolutely,” he said. “We’ll, you know, look forward to working with them. We’ll probably work something out.”

What can you say? Should’ve been more aggressive with the vote buyout offer, Uncle Saddam. $25,000 might’ve brought even me to the polls.