Thursday Satire: Mitch McConnell Hospitalized With Low White Vote Count

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Via The New Yorker’s satirist Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty and he had gone into shock.

Dr. Harland Dorrinson, a physician at Walter Reed who is monitoring McConnell’s condition, called his low white-vote count “very serious.”

“Mitch McConnell needs a white-vote count of at least fifty in order to function,” he said. “If it falls below fifty and stays there for an extended period of time, he cannot survive.”

Efforts to boost the Senate Majority Leader’s white-vote count have so far proved fruitless, as doctors acknowledged that they have been unable to find additional white votes that are compatible with McConnell.

McConnell was first rushed to Walter Reed after showing symptoms commonly associated with a low white-vote count, including a feeling of hopelessness and uncontrollable sobbing.

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Wexler

(Ed Wexler)

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2 thoughts on “Thursday Satire: Mitch McConnell Hospitalized With Low White Vote Count

  1. No one likes to speak ill of the dead, but McConnell only acts and looks dead. So, please let this ass hole with the “low white vote count pass” as nature and functional democracy principals intended – into the great Senatorial preferential retirement beyond – so far beyond mere mortals’.

    Please, no heroic efforts to save him and for god sake no primary organ harvesting that one of us might unknowingly receive – well not that anus transplants are that common.

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