By Doktor Zoom as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission
Better get that Nobel Peace Prize engraved right now, because at his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on Tuesday, Donald Trump instantly established a “special bond”with the wily dictator and extracted an ironclad verbal agreement to denuclearize, although it is unclear whether the agreement was sealed with a pinkie swear or the two men spitting in their hands and shaking on it. This was easily the greatest diplomatic triumph since George W. Bush looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and saw his soul, and we should certainly look forward to a similar future of friendship and harmony.
The Washington Post has the full details on the absolutely unshakable commitment Kim made to Trump: He promised to totally denuclearize, to return remains of US casualties of the Korean War, and to dismantle one missile testing site. In return, Trump will end annual joint military exercises with South Korea, even before Kim does anything, because they’re “very provocative” and “inappropriate” in our new era of lasting peace, and also that will save assloads of money that we waste propping up an ally. In a small miracle, Trump managed not to commit to pulling out all of the nearly 24,000 US troops in South Korea. At least not at this first meeting.
Lest anyone doubt the firmness of Kim’s promise to rid his country of all nuclear arms, just look at the absolutely foolproof plan Trump worked out to verify North Korea won’t cheat:
Trump provided few specifics about what steps Kim would take to back up his promise to denuclearize his country and how the United States would verify that North Korea was keeping its pledge to get rid of its nuclear weapons, saying that would be worked out in future talks.
“We will do it as fast as it can mechanically and physically be done,” he said of the process to rid North Korea of nuclear weapons.
This is a vast improvement over Barack Obama’s incredibly weak Iran nuclear agreement, which involved months of negotiations, buy-in from European nations and Russia, physical dismantling of nuclear facilities, and moving Iran’s nuclear fuel stocks out of the country, along with a strict inspection regime by international monitors. The Trump way — scoring a verbal commitment during a brief face-to-face meeting — is much better. Also, Obama gave Iran its frozen assets back, so it was the worst deal in history. And Trump is simply smarter than Obama, and makes better deals.
In an interview with ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos, Trump explained all the fantastic future benefits he’s certain will happen, because Kim Jong-un promised:
On the differences between this good, vague deal and Obama’s terrible, weak, detailed deal with Iran, Trump again underlined why he was the much better negotiator. Duh, because of that Fox News talking point about “giving” Iran its own money:
Stephanopoulos: You’ve set the bar for nuclear agreements by criticizing the Iran nuclear deal, said it’s the worst deal ever made.
Trump: Terrible deal.
Stephanopoulos: Does that mean that any deal with North Korea has to be tougher than the Iran deal?
Trump: I don’t think a deal could be softer. First of all, we’re not paying $150 billion, OK, we’re paying nothing from that standpoint other than, you will see what happens.
Truly, the man is a wizard. Trump also explained, in layman’s terms, the details of exactly how North Korean denuclearization would happen:
Yeah, he’s de-nuking, I mean he’s de-nuking the whole place. It’s going to start very quickly. I think he’s going to start now […]
It takes a period of time. Some say 15 years, if you go rapidly. But when you’re in the process of doing it, you’re really dismantling, in other words, you can’t do anything during that period of time. But they have a process for getting rid of nukes that does take, it’s not like, oh gee, we’ll get rid of them tomorrow. It just can’t be done scientifically. But they’re gonna do it. They’re gonna start immediately. They really already started. They blew up a site, which was the real deal site that was their big site, they’ve blown it up. They’re getting rid of things that haven’t been mentioned in the document, they’re getting rid of certain missile areas and they’re not going to be sending missiles up.
Take that, weak-ass Barack Obama and your “detailed framework”! (Also, that “real deal site” that was “their big site” that they blew up? They did that because they didn’t need it anymore, becausethey’ve already finished all the testing and development they were doing there. BIGLY symbolic gesture!)
Trump also spent a big portion of the interview explaining why it’s wonderful that the US will cease its provocative joint “war games” (defensive exercises) with South Korea. Not only are the exercises something North Korea has always wanted to see ended, we’ll also save a huge amount of money by eliminating them. Besides, now that peace is at hand, why would we even want to be doing military stuff near our new friends the North Koreans?
As for North Korea’s human rights abuses, like imprisoning entire extended families for political offenses or the 100,000 North Koreans in forced labor camps, Trump said at a presser after the meeting that the topic had “only briefly” come up, and expressed sympathy for the guy who suddenly found himself running a whole darn country, and how well he’d managed that, considering:
“Anybody that takes over a situation like he did at 26 years of age and is able to run it and run it tough,” Trump said. “I don’t say he was nice or say anything about it. He ran it, few people at that age – you could take one out of 10,000 could not do it.”
Later in the press conference, though, since reporters kept asking, Trump said human rights had been discussed “at length,” and offered these details of just how committed to demanding reform he might be, for sure:
“We will be doing something on it,” Trump said. “It’s rough. It’s rough in a lot of places, by the way. We will continue that and I think ultimately agree to something. It was discussed at length outside of the nuclear situation.”
Finally, Trump explained why he went into the meeting with only a translator and no note-taker to get an accurate record of the discussions:
— NBC News (@NBCNews) June 12, 2018
Needless to say, in the extremely unlikely event Kim Jong-un somehow fails to eliminate his country’s nuclear weapons, Trump will be able to say he only talked to Kim briefly, and doesn’t recall what was said. Honestly, he’s not sure he could even pick him out in a room.
In any case, as enthusiastic Trump-humper Charlie Kirk gushed on Twitter, just shaking hands with Kim should secure Donald Trump the Nobel Prize, if only as a participation trophy:
Trump is finishing the Cold War
Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama all made things much worse
Just this handshake alone merits a Nobel Peace prize
— Charlie Kirk (@charliekirk11) June 12, 2018
In conclusion, we look forward to the North Korean People’s Army tanks rolling peacefully into Seoul for the purpose of uniting the two Koreas and finally bringing peace to that troubled land, the end.