By Five Dollar Feminist as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission
If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if you’re too stupid to do any of those things, send in Rudy Giuliani. –Carl Sandburg, more or less
Donald Trump was just smart enough to tell the press gaggle to ignore his damn fool lawyer.
Virtually everything that’s been said has been said incorrectly.
But not smart enough to keep Rudy from diving in front of the camera this weekend for several more batshit crazy media appearances.
Saturday Night’s Alright For Screeching
Saturday, Rudy and Jeanine Pirro got together to yip like a couple of Yorkies on speed.
What is even happening here?
Woowoo. Nice nice nice. Poor little Hillary, we got to be nice to her!
Giuliani went on to insist that he has no idea what his client got up to with Stormy Daniels. But whatever, because he, Rudy Giuliani, is A EXPERT in campaign finance law from that time in 2008 when he spent $61 million to win zero states in the Republican presidential primary.
I have been in the case for two weeks, virtually one day in comparison to other people. So, I am not an expert on the facts yet. I am getting there. But I am an expert on the law, and particularly the campaign finance law, I have lived under it running for president.
Rudy Giuliani may not know the facts, Mister, but he knows that Robert Mueller is totally BIASSSS and just wants Trump to “come on in and commit perjury.” Because it is NO FAIR and PERJURY TRAP to ask questions of a congenital liar!
George Stephanopoulos Is NOT IMPRESSED
Giuliani had refined this theory by Sunday morning, telling ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that Trump can’t possibly testify before the grand jury because what if evil James Comey is lying, and then Donald Trump tells the truth LIKE ALWAYS but winds up in jail?
The special counsel so far seems to think that Comey is Moses. And I happen to think Comey is Judas.
Yes, in Rudy’s version of the story, Donald Trump is Jesus.
And speaking of bullshit, are we still sticking with the story that Trump only just found out that he was paying Cohen back for the money he advanced to shut up Stormy Daniels?
GIULIANI: Those are the facts that we’re still working on. And that — you know, may be in a little bit of dispute. This is more rumor than it is anything else. But…
STEPHANOPOULOS: But that’s what you said. You said that to BuzzFeed.
GIULIANI: But here’s the — but here’s the — well, yes, I mean that — that’s one of the possibilities and one of the rumors. The reality is…
STEPHANOPOULOS: You stated it as fact.
GIULIANI: Well, maybe I did. But I — right now, I’m at the point where I’m learning, and I can only — I can’t prove that. I can just say it’s rumor. I can prove it’s rumor, but I can’t prove it’s fact. Yet. Maybe we will.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But — but you’ve said as — it — you’ve said as a matter of fact on Hannity and BuzzFeed, you talked to the Washington Post about it.
GIULIANI: I don’t know — I don’t know how you separate fact and opinion.
Is it Giuliani’s opinion that Cohen maintained a slush fund to pay off multiple women who bumped uglies with President Horndog?
I have no knowledge of that but I — I — I would think if it was necessary, yes. He made payments for the president, or he conducted business for the president, which means he had legal fees, monies laid out, and expenditures, which I have on my bills to my clients.
Okay, so YES.
Then, noted campaign finance law expert Rudolph Giuliani cited rulings from the “Campaign Finance Commission,” which does not care “if a man buys a suit, if a woman buys a dress” to wear on the campaign. In fact, the Campaign Finance Commission doesn’t care if you donate twenty kilos of black tar heroin to a politician, because the Campaign Finance Commission DOES NOT EXIST. Perhaps he means the Federal Election Commission (FEC). It’s a common mistake made by election law experts all the time. (No, it isn’t.)
Rudy and the FAKE NEWS
Giuliani also made time for the haters and the losers at CNN and NBC. In a Sunday phone call to Dana Bash, Giuliani crowed that Cohen’s case was likely to be dismissed in light of the sharp questions Mueller’s team took from Judge T.S. Ellis in Virginia for using Paul Manafort’s extensive money laundering fuckery to leverage him to flip on Trump instead of turning those cases over to regular prosecutors. Like they did with the Michael Cohen cases.
Besides which, HAHA WE HIRED A MOBBED UP CRIMINAL TO RUN OUR CAMPAIGN, BUT HE’S NOT GOING TO SQUEAL ON US is kind of a weird defense. Will the Campaign Finance Commission be persuaded?
Giuliani said more of the same loony shit to NBC’s Peter Alexander, claiming that Mueller admitted in confidence that the Russia investigation has “been going too long.”
Giuliani told me Mueller privately expressed sensitivity abt length of Russia probe. “I believe he mentioned he’s sensitive to the fact it’s been going too long.” (A fmr fed prosecutor who worked closely w Mueller said there wasn’t “a chance in hell” Mueller would’ve said that.)
— Peter Alexander (@PeterAlexander) May 7, 2018
As Michael Avenatti put it,
I just want to make sure. George, did that interview just happen? I’m not being spoofed, right?
We know the feeling, dude. Every single goddamn day for the past 18 months.
OMG!LOL!WTF! you are saying. But that’s because you are a stupid lib. The GOP galaxy braintrust knows #WINNING when they see it. Giuliani told the Washington Post,
I’ll give you the conclusion: We all feel pretty good that we’ve got everything kind of straightened out and we’re setting the agenda. […] Everybody’s reacting to us now, and I feel good about that because that’s what I came in to do.
You can tell you’re winning by how loud they’re laughing at your attorney. That is just true.
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