By Evan Hurst as originally published over at Wonkette and reposted here with permission
OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? HOW IS IT THAT WE ARE WAKING UP TO THESE ODDLY MOSTLY CORRECTLY SPELLED TWEETS FROM DONALD TRUMP?
And how is it that George Conway, Kellyanne Conway’s husband who is just THROUGH with his wife’s shitty lying boss, is correcting the president like this, IN PUBLIC AND ON TWITTER?
OH MY GOD!
OK, first of all, the reason the Trump tweets are mostly spelled correctly is that another lawyer in the White House obviously wrestled the phone out of Trump’s grundle and wrote them, albeit a lawyer who doesn’t know the difference between “roll” and “role.” But to answer the larger question of WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING, we must do a li’l bit more essplaining!
It was a dark and stormy night, and Rudy Giuliani decided to go on ‘Hannity’ …
Giuliani promised when he came onto Trump’s “legal” team that the Robert Mueller investigation would be over within a couple of weeks, but we didn’t know he meant it would be over BY DEFAULT, because the entire world had literally died laughing over how Giuliani stepped on his own dick and in the process banged his client’s OTHER most pressing legal matter to death.
It happened on “Hannity,” which is America’s top tourist destination for stepping on one’s own dick:
Giuliani, who does too still have all his faculties and is not certifiably senile, said MANY MANY THINGS in this interview. But the biggest news was when Giuliani told all the Trump voters in Sean Hannity’s viewing audience that their president had been lying to their faces about Stormy Daniels, that Trump definitely did know about Michael Cohen’s $130,000 payout to her, and that even better than that, after the election and inauguration, Trump totally paid Cohen back. Giuliani said these things because he, A REAL LAWYER WITHOUT SYPHILIS IN HIS BRAIN, wanted to lawsplain America that this had nothing to do with campaign finance, even though the payout happened a month before the election.
Here’s the transcript, from the New York Times:
SEAN HANNITY: My question is, are you concerned within the process of this, we did discover that a foreign national, Christopher Steele, was paid through Fusion GPS, used Russian sources that not only weren’t verified, but were debunked — are you concerned that was paid for, to manipulate the American people in the lead-up to an election?
RUDOLPH W. GIULIANI: Isn’t that closer to the mandate than Michael Cohen?
HANNITY: Why isn’t that happening? Where’s Mueller on that, sir?
GIULIANI: Having something to do with paying some Stormy Daniels woman $130,000? Which, I mean, is going to turn out to be perfectly legal. That money was not campaign money. Sorry, I’m giving you a fact now that you don’t know. It’s not campaign money. No campaign finance violation.
HANNITY: They funneled it through a law firm.
GIULIANI: They funneled through a law firm, and the president repaid it.
HANNITY: Oh. I didn’t know that. He did.
(At this point the tone in Hannity’s voice was like “Whaaaaaaaaat? The president has been lying to ME this whole time? Poor little innocent stupid ME, who also has used the services of Michael Cohen a time or nine in the past and didn’t tell my viewers about it? WHAAAAAAT?”)
HANNITY: There’s no campaign finance law.
GIULIANI: Zero. Just like every — Sean, Sean —
HANNITY: So this decision was made by —
GIULIANI: Everybody was nervous about this from the very beginning. I wasn’t. I knew how much money Donald Trump put into that campaign, and I said, “$130,000? He could do a couple of checks for $130,000.” When I heard of Cohen’s retainer for $130,000, he was doing no work for the president. I said, “Well, that’s how he’s repaying it, with a little profit and a little margin for paying taxes for Michael.
HANNITY: But you know the president didn’t know about this?
GIULIANI: Ah, he didn’t know about the specifics of it, as far as I know. But he did know about the general arrangement, that Michael would take care of things like this. Like, I take care of this with my clients. I don’t burden them with every single thing that comes along. These are busy people.
You can’t burden your client with every little porn star who says she had an extramarital affair with the president coming forward a month before he’s barely elected president of the United States! He’s a very busy man!
And it’s no big deal if the money was “funneled” through a law firm all secret-like, because what kind of world is this if a presidential candidate can’t money launder his way out of whatever little porn star problems come his way? (There must have been a hundred little problems like that during the campaign, according to Steve Bannon in Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury! Stormy Daniels is just the one we are talking about a lot right now.)
Also, don’t trouble yourself over questions about how, if Trump repaid Cohen by putting him on a $35,000 per month retainer for doing “no work,” that means Cohen is well and truly fucked in his claim that his communications with Trump are protected by attorney/client privilege, which doesn’t tend to cover “no work.” Let the Southern District of New York sort that out!
OH MY GOD.
Remember what Trump said on Air Force One about this a few weeks back?
"I don't know," POTUS said on Air Force One when asked where money came to pay Michael Cohen to pay off Stormy Daniels. Rudy Giuliani just said on TV that Trump paid it.
— Josh Dawsey (@jdawsey1) May 3, 2018
Trump voters, we know you are neither the best nor the brightest, and you will believe anything the man says, even when he contradicts himself seven times in one sentence, but do you see how he LIED TO YOUR FACE?
Giuliani went on to say he would have done the same damn thing, and that even if they did find a campaign finance violation, that usually just results in a fine, as opposed to having “stormtroopers” raid Michael Cohen like common Nazis, “stormtroopers” sent there by the Southern District of New York, which is incidentally where Giuliani used to be the US attorney, yes that’s right, Rudy Giuliani called his former coworkers “stormtroopers.”
Reacting to this news, all of Legal Twitter literally DIED ON ACCOUNT OF THE INSANITY. (RIP LEGAL TWITTER!) Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’s lawyer, said on the Lawrence O’Donnell program that he was “speechless.” Watergate lawyer Jill Wine-Banks said on the same show that there are “a lot of crimes going on here that Rudy Giuliani is foolishly admitting!” And Preet Bharara cannot even right now:
From a purely legal and PR competency perspective, Trump should fire Giuliani long before Sessions, Rosenstein, McGahn, Mueller
— Preet Bharara (@PreetBharara) May 3, 2018
We will have a lawsplainer from our resident lawyer this morning on just exactly how much WTF this is, and just precisely how much Giuliani just boned both Trump’s and Cohen’s cases with this statement, but suffice it to say he boned them RIGHT GOOD.
And after the Hannity interview, Giuliani just kept on boning! He gave interviews to many newspapers last night and this morning, digging his hole deeper and deeper. He told the Washington Post he spilled on this as a “courtesy” to special counsel Robert Mueller’s team, so they don’t spend their time “chasing windmills.” Unfortunately, Donald Trump and Michael Cohen seem to bury a lot of “windmills” the same place they bury all the dead bodies! Isn’t that unfortunate, Rudy G?
Giuliani also went on “Fox & Friends” this morning, to make it even worse by saying that actually, despite what he said on “Hannity” about this having nothing to do with the campaign, this was totally about the campaign:
“Imagine if that came out on Oct. 15, 2016, in the middle of the last debate with Hillary Clinton,” Giuliani added. “Cohen didn’t even ask. Cohen made it go away. He did his job.”
Good god, Giuliani’s foot is so far down his throat at this point it’s sticking out his posterior shame hole.
And then there was the rest of the shit Giuliani said on ‘Hannity’!
The Michael Cohen/Stormy Daniels stuff is making the most news, but the entire “Hannity” interview was bona fide batshit. Giuliani attacked the Mueller investigation as a “witch hunt” and said he predicts they won’t agree to Mueller interviewing Trump, because all Mueller’s questions for him are “trap questions.” (The “trap” is that Mueller wants to ask Trump about crimes he’s committed. And in the “witch hunt,” Mueller has found a METRIC FUCKTON of witches already.)
Giuliani thinks you can’t legally subpoena presidents, we guess because he’s senile and forgot all the other times presidents have been subpoenaed, but besides, he yelled that it would be NO FAIR to subpoena Trump because he’s too busy bringing WORLD PEACE! to the KOREAN PENINSULA! (LOLOLOL President Executive Time hunkered over the potty watching TV and playing on Twitter all day say WHAT?)
Giuliani made up a BRAND NEW reason for why Trump fired James Comey — which was basically an admission of obstruction of justice — and said that Comey, whom Giuliani hired at SDNY, is a “pathological liar” and a “perverted man.”
Finally, Giuliani said it would be okay if Mueller wanted to interview Jared Kushner because “men are disposable,” so under the bus you go, Jared! But Ivanka? Giuliani says America would “turn on” Mueller if he tried to interview her, because she’s such a “fine woman” and she’s just his daughter and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE IS A WHITE HOUSE ADVISER AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH AMERICA FUCKING HATES HER.
For Rudy Giuliani’s edification, here is the ranking of the Trump children, by how much we hate them:
And here are the ones we don’t hate:
- the one Daddy fathered with the housekeeper, ALLEGEDLY
- any others we don’t know about yet
In conclusion, is Rudy Giuliani evil, senile, stupid or ALL OF THEM KATIE?
Yes, the answer is yes.
Anyway, welcome to the White House, new Trump lawyer Emmet Flood! We hear you didn’t want to join the team last year because Trump’s personal lawyer Marc Kasowitz is a Certified Fuck Loon, so anyway, HOW YOU LIKING RUDY GIULIANI?
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