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Trump Wakes Up, Says Porn Stars Are Making Up Tom Bradys, Says He’s Excited To Meet Kim Jong-Un

The President wishes you a happy Wednesday.

Donald Trump is awake, presumably getting ready for a “long” day of golf with bestie and “truly fine gentleman” Shinzo Abe, and he wants to talk to you about two things, in order of importance.

First is Stormy Daniels and the composite sketch released on Tuesday that appears to suggest Tom Brady’s long, lost twin brother is threatening porn stars in the parking lots of aerobics centers.

brady

Trump thinks this is ridiculous and he’s right – although not for the reasons he thinks it’s ridiculous. It’s silly because who the fuck knows “who” that is or whether this incident even happened. I mean, yes, it’s a crime to implicitly threaten to murder women in parking lots but no one is ever going to know if that story is true and besides that, no one needs to know because there’s probably going to be enough evidence to lock Michael Cohen under the jail anyway and in all likelihood, evidence against Trump himself will surface along the way. So I’m not sure running around looking for the guy shown in the sketch above is a great use of anyone’s time, especially considering “he” could be anyone or no one at all.

 

So that’s why this is ridiculous. But Trump thinks it’s ridiculous because he imagines Stormy is “playing the media for fools” although according to Trump, “they know it”:

Now for one thing, if anyone knows that there’s nothing “foolish” about good ratings if you’re a media company, it’s Trump. So to the extent people are going to tune in to listen to the latest on the likely whereabouts of sketch man, well then you know, who’s really the “fool”? It’s the viewers, not the media. And on top of that, you can’t “play” someone “for a fool” if that person “knows it”. That doesn’t make any sense.

Having thus tackled the important issue (sketches of people he allegedly hired to threaten a porn star regarding the time she spanked him with a magazine that sported his picture on the cover), Trump moved on to talk about lesser matters like denuclearization on the Korean peninsula and the bombshell story that he sent CIA Director (and soon-to-be worst Secretary of State in American history), Mike Pompeo to meet with Kim Jong-Un. That was of course reported by WaPo late Tuesday evening. Here’s what Trump had to say about that:

It’s hard to argue with most of that (well, I mean I don’t think “a good relationship was formed” in any real sense), but one can’t help but get the impression that Trump is being played here and just to be absolutely clear, there is no way in hell that Kim is going to give up all of those weapons. This will end up being a perpetual soap opera once this summit comes and goes with everyone accusing Kim of not getting rid of them and Kim accusing everyone else of engaging in a conspiracy.

Finally, here is an excerpt from that WaPo article which shows you what happens when truth becomes definitively stranger than fiction:

Trump’s planned session with Kim, the dynastic leader Trump has mocked as “Little Rocket Man,” comes after the two traded insults and threats last year. Trump vowed to “totally destroy” North Korea if it menaced the United States or its allies, and Kim called Trump senile.

 

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